Share plunge may have been caused by bad cocaine, admit stockbrokers

STOCKBROKERS have admitted the collapse in share prices was probably caused by some disappointing gak.

Trillions of pounds were wiped off the value of everything after a batch of inferior Colombian toot gave traders dangerous amounts of self-awareness.

Stockbroker Julian Cook said: “The health of the global economy is based on two things; whether or not I got munted last night and how much grade-A charlie I’m snorting in the lavs just to get me through the day.

“Minor details like how much money a company makes are secondary to how big a hole I’m chewing in the side of my cheek.”

Prices continued to fall this morning as traders were forced to use Red Bull and codeine until their ‘guy’ drops something off while dressed as a motorcycle courier.

The slump is the worst since 2007, when a batch cut with too much amphetamine caused traders to sell stocks every 0.15 seconds until everybody lost track of who owned what.

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Awkward silence at breakfast as father tells teenage daughter to ‘man the f**k up’

A FATHER has stunned his family by suggesting his daughter ‘get a sense of frigging perspective’ after a pop group split up.

Bill McKay, 43, resisted the temptation to console his 13-year-old daughter Eleanor after listening to her whining and looking at her pathetic, tear-stained face.

He told her: “It’s not even a band. It’s just some stupid, fancy-haired little pricks. Their breaking up means nothing. Nothing.

“Have you taken a look at what’s going on in Africa today? I haven’t, but I’ll bet you it’s fucked up.”

He added: “Life is nothing but a constant stream of disappointments. Get used to it, princess.”

Eleanor said: “Mum’s having an affair. That shut you up, didn’t it?”