Should anyone be allowed to work in the City?

A DAMNING report into former bank bosses has raised the question of whether anyone should be allowed to work in finance.

As the banking standards commission suggested three former HBOS directors should be banned from the industry, experts said the men had been greedy and very bad at their jobs, just like absolutely everyone else who does this kind of thing.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Acres of empty office space. You may as well graze sheep at the foot of the Shard.

“Every day I get into the lift with my colleagues and we all just look at each other and shrug. And then we get out our smartphones and compare photos of our Bang and Olufsen lavatories.”

He added: “I certainly shouldn’t be here. Jesus. ‘Chief economist’? What a lot of shite.

“Can I get you some homeopathy with that?”

Martin Bishop, a senior trader at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “Watch what happens when I press this button.

“Oh shit, it’s not supposed to do that. I was sure we had rigged that bit. I fucking hate this job when it’s not rigged.”

He added: “Wait a minute, it’s okay, I still made 80 grand.”

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Bullies demand fat kid clarification

BRITAIN’S thugs have asked whether jiggling a fat person is a hate crime.

As Greater Manchester Police began classifying offences based on clothing and eyeliner, bullies said the lack of clarification on size-based cruelty risked creating ‘a legal minefield’.

Bill McKay, director of the Royal College of Arseholes, said: “Is it still okay to pretend there’s an earthquake whenever a large child walks past you?

“Or will our members be hauled up in court and made to say sorry like some fucking hippy?”

He added: “With goths and emos now under police protection, all we have left is fat people, old people, students, people who wear glasses, people who read books on the bus, people who enjoy classical music, men who are obviously not as tough as us, and all women.”

Despite a lack of official figures police estimate that thin-on-fat crime is on increase. Anecdotal evidence suggests that it takes less than eight seconds for a pub argument to contain the phrase ‘fat prick’ if one of the parties weighs more than 13 stone.

But McKay said the move was an indiscriminate attack on his members, adding: “Then they came for the arseholes and there was no-one left to speak up.”

Meanwhile, football supporters have prepared a contingency chant of, ‘Who ate all the pies, who ate all the pies? Was it an unresolved emotional issue that made you eat all the pies?’.