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Six items Amazon is suggesting you buy because you bought a smoke alarm three years ago

AMAZON’S algorithm, like an elephant, never forgets. And to this day it’s making helpful suggestions based on a 2018 smoke alarm purchase: 

Another smoke alarm

That first smoke alarm was just the beginning. Amazon are ready to help you become the lifelong superfan of smoke alarms you were born to be. Payday’s here, so get yourself a treat – a smoke alarm identical to the one you already have.

A 10-pack of smoke alarm batteries

The alarm we sold you back in 2018 was amazing and came with a guaranteed 10-year battery life. So why not stock up on a multipack to give your device a longer life expectancy than you?

A carbon monoxide alarm

A twist on the original: the same great design, a whole new danger to detect. Who cares if you ‘don’t own a solid fuel burning appliance’ or ‘already have one you bought in Tesco’, Amazon’s sure you’ll love it.

A three-pack of smoke alarms

You’ve previously shown interest in one smoke alarm, so there’s no way you won’t go apeshit for the incredible savings of three all together. Practical, stylish and the perfect Christmas gift, they really are so versatile.

That Jeremy Clarkson farm programme

God, will they never stop trying to sell you this shit?

A smart internet-connected carbon monoxide detector and smoke alarm for £92.98

That was the problem. The previous suggestions weren’t expensive enough. Bet you’ve already clicked Buy Now on this premium item. If we know you at all.

First thing Monday morning actually best time to drink, man discovers

A MAN discovered that, contrary to convention, Monday morning is actually a far better time to drink than Friday night. 

Brand strategist Stephen Malley previously waited until at least Wednesday to crack a beer and never drank during the day. But the pandemic forced him to change his habits with startling results.

He explained: “When I was homeworking, I got through the Monday staff meeting with a little tipple. Why should that have to change now I’m back in the office?

“So I brought in a few Stellas, offered them around, and by the end of the presentation I was three pints deep and having the best time. I led a chant when Sharon from HR got up to talk us through the overtime forms.

“The boss challenged me, but I made up that it’s a new policy of morning alcohol or tasoittava that’s all the rage in Finland, and I was just pissed enough to be convincing. We’re all doing it now. Productivity’s up, probably, none of us care.

“Who needs a drink on a weekend, when you’ve got no stress on and you’re cheerful anyway? This is targeted, sensible drinking, applying the remedy when it’s needed.

“The only people I’d caution against having a swift one at 8am on a Monday are bus drivers. But even then if it’s a light beer or a crème de menthe I don’t see a problem.”