Exhausted woman barely has energy to tell you how exhausted she is

A WOMAN claiming to be tired is almost too tired to tell you how tired she is.

Donna Sheridan, who describes herself as ‘dead on her feet’, is using her last ounce of strength to let you know that she can barely keep her eyes open.

She said: “It’s a miracle I can still speak I’m so knackered. You’d think I would try and save some energy by not forming pointless words, but hear I am chattering away anyway.

“I couldn’t settle down last night because I stayed up mindlessly scrolling on my phone for no reason. Then just as I was drifting off my partner Nathan got up to piss like a racehorse and there’s no way I was sleeping through that.

“I think I got three, maybe even four seconds of shut eye before my alarm went off and it was time to drag my tired husk out of bed. Now I’m a shell of a woman who only has the stamina to tell you about my fatigue.”

Boyfriend Nathan said: “Donna’s level of tiredness sounds potentially fatal. She should tell her tale of exhaustion to herself, it’s so f**king boring she’ll be out like a light.”

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Single man has single pan

A SINGLE man who lives by himself owns and does all his cooking with one single pan, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir of Colchester uses the same sauté pan which his mum bought him when he left home to cook everything from scrambled eggs to omelettes, and has never felt the need to purchase any more.

He said: “They sell these sets of pans. Why I don’t know. Just wash the pan after you’ve used it and stop being so lazy.

“I can’t exactly cook with two pans at once, can I? I’m not an octopus. Anyway the stove’s back burners don’t work. It’s a rented flat after all.

“My last girlfriend said I at least needed a frying pan, but what use is that when I need to boil an egg? Exactly. Whereas this pan’s an all-rounder.

“I think people only get lots of different pans to look like they’re better cooks than they are. Whereas actually I’m the best cook, because I can do it all using one pan.”

Ex-girlfriend Grace Wood-Morris said: “I left Nathan over his f**king tragic devotion to that pan, so please don’t tell him he makes a brilliant bacon sandwich on it.”