Market tumble sparks debt rise share plunge sell-off fears

SHARES in London are down a million after squeezed credits in the sub-debt crunch market.

The FTSE 100 index of leading shares tumbled over on its side at one point and had to be helped up by two passing elderly ladies.

In Hong Kong the Hang Seng changed its name to Billy Yip and refused to answer the phone, while Tokyo’s Nikkei dyed its hair blonde and put on a short skirt.

In New York the Dow Jones failed to turn up for work for the second day in a row, and stayed home drinking vodka out of the bottle instead.

Charles Winstanley, leading equities analyst with UBF in London, said the markets had been spooked by an altercation in the US pork knuckle pens.

He added: “The sub-prime pork collapse in the States has gone full sausage.”

Mr Winstanley warned of further turbulence in the months ahead as the squeezed credits were forced back into their tubes.

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Senior Police Cock Had Sex On Duty

A SENIOR penis in the British Transport Police is facing shame and ruin after being found guilty of having sex on duty and against the will of the officer it was attached to at the time.

The penis logged-on to an internet dating site, made an appointment to meet a women for sex, and then made the officer drive it to the rendezvous while he should have been at work.

It then forced the officer to meet the woman, retire to a locked office and indulge in vigorous sexual intercourse, twice, before demanding it was tucked back into a pair of underpants and driven back to headquarters.

A spokesman for the British Transport Police said it was not the first time one of its officers had been kidnapped by his own penis while on duty.

He added: “This is a tragic case for all involved. The penis was of previously exemplary character but now faces being drummed out of the force and losing all its pension rights for what looks like one moment of erectile madness.

“The officer is totally traumatised by his ordeal, he has completely lost trust in his own penis and has requested a transfer to another division to get away from it. He can hardly bring himself to look it in the eye.”

Dr Raj Peshwar, a leading psychologist and expert on male sexuality, said he was coming across more and more cases of men reporting they had been kidnapped by their own penises.

He said: “It is not just figures of authority on duty who find themselves forced by their own penises to make a number of phone calls, drive 40 miles and open up a locked office to have sex with a women they hardly know. It can happen to anyone.

“I hear from a lot of men who claim they were taken out to a pub or club and plied with drink by their own penises only to wake up the following morning in bed having had intercourse with a complete stranger. It’s very worrying.”