Guest Blog: Gillian Mckeith

On my multi award-nominated Channel 4 show, You Are What You Eat, I might appear to some as an unqualified, cold-hearted old busy-body. But answer me one question: why would someone as popular, educated and talented as myself go to such extreme lengths when it comes to treating my patients?

I’ll tell you why: it’s because I care. I care about these wretched people who are scoffing their way into an early grave; I care about the fact that they’ll leave loved ones behind as they clutch their chest in agony, as they suffer a fatal heart attack. But most of all, I care about all those individuals out there who will go through life without ever having experienced at least one of my revolutionary, but reasonably-priced, dietary plans.

Take for instance a recent case study of mine. For doctor/patient confidentiality reasons we’ll know this individual as ‘Mike Davies’ of London Road, Edinburgh, EH1 44W Anyway, ‘Mike’ was ingesting something like five times the normal amount of calories normal people like you and me do – well actually, I’m a TV personality, which makes me extraordinary, but I digress. Anyway, he was eating far too much when I was called in to help him reduce his calorie intake.

The Lose It With Gillian McKeith dietry programme isn’t just about eating less food and taking plenty of exercise, oh no, it’s a little more unconventional and sophisticated than that. Dieting is as much about the patient’s state of mind as anything else. For instance, the first time I met ‘Mike’ I felt I had to make some kind of statement. So I dressed in a specially-constructed fat suit similar and waddled into the room, clutching an extra large portion of pie and chips, swigging a can of lager while chanting “ THIS IS YOU MIKE, YOU FAT, BLOATED, FURRY-VEINED TWAT – LOOK AT ME CLOSELY MIKE, MAKE THE MOST OF IT BECAUSE YOU’LL BE SIX FOOT UNDER SOON’.

Now this technique has caused a bit of a stir within medical circles, indeed there are those within the establishment who choose to write me off as some kind of crank, but there again, as a highly qualified dietician, I have to go with my instinct sometimes and besides, this bit made for really good telly.

Once Mike was made aware of his deeply unattractive appearance, and seemingly imminent departure from this world I then started on the diet plan. In previous episodes of my ground-breaking C4 series, we illustrated the amount of food the individual gets through in a normal week, by placing it on a 20 foot trestle table. I’ve decided that is a bit old hat, and that there would be more impact if we asked the subject to bag up all the stools they’d produced during the week, and then pour it out onto the table, so all and sundry could then see what a greedy piggy he had been.

In Mike’s case, I pointed out that a normal person would normally excrete a quarter of what we saw in front of us, and that if he was going to get down to a healthy weight, his target would be to fit his weekly excreta into the small plastic bucket I had placed next to his fat-sodden barbecue.   

There are many ways to cleanse the body – detox and diet is big business these days, so I’m told. I’d like to think that my new book, which is being published this week, is the way ahead for those people out there who’ve so sadly let themselves go – you know who you are: you wear elasticated waists and don’t tuck your shirts in for fear of showing off the disgusting mound of ugly flesh that seeps over your 42 inch waist. I’m not in any way scaremongering, but next time you and your type swig down another pint of calorie-filled lager, or leaf through that take-away menu, give a thought to the paramedic who will soon be trying to zap some life into that bloated, fat-encrusted old ticker of yours with his defibrillator – that’s all.

Anyway, as I was saying earlier, my new publication, Gillian’s Ultimate Detox Diary is the best way forward if you’re into purging the body of all its poisonous filth. I have introduced a simple 712-point plan whereby you eat two Gillian McKeith Celery lozenges every other day for sixteen months, thus purifying the system and making you feel a million dollars. The beauty about this is the fact that every other day when you’re not on those dreary old celery lozenges, you’re able to have whatever you want, such as a few Gillian McKeith’s Lo-Fat Chocolate Brownies, or even a quick pint of McKeith’s 25-Year Old Organic McKeith Malt Whiskey. Go on, do your body a favour and give it a try.

As told to Matt Owen 

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Princess Diana 'Better Than Jesus' Says Archbishop

CHRISTIANS in England are to start worshiping Princess Diana instead of Jesus with a new prayer written by the Archbishop of Canterbury and exclusively revealed on the Daily Mash today. 

Rowan Williams said composing the prayer made him realise Diana was far more worthy of adoration than the Messiah because she was more spiritual, had less facial hair “and much better legs”.

The new prayer is due to be unveiled at the memorial service to mark the 10th anniversary of Diana’s death later this month, but readers of the Daily Mash have been granted this special preview.

A Prayer for Diana, Princess of Wales, by Rowan Williams.

Princess Diana, who art in Hermes,
Chanel was thy favourite brand name.
Thy King did come.
But he fancied another one, as did you anyway.
Give us this day a flash of your smile.
And forgive us our paparazzi,
As we forgive those who paparazzi against us.
And drive us not into the side of a tunnel,
When we aren’t wearing our seat belt. Amen.