Terrified Shell flees Arctic as quickly as possible

OIL giant Shell has refused to discuss what it found deep below the surface of the Arctic.

The company abandoned its $7bn operation in Alaska without looking back or packing anything away, with many staff resigning immediately to spend their life screaming into a cushion.

Engineer Wayne Hayes said: “There’s no oil in Alaska. None at all. No oil, no light, no glimmer of hope that god would not create such evi… I feel I may have said too much.”

He added: “What? This white streak in my hair? No, I’ve always had this, it definitely didn’t just appear overnight.”

Shell will present its preliminary findings in a paper entitled The Howling Void and will call for the entire region to be enclosed within a 1000ft-high wall.

The company will continue to explore new sites but will now pay some boy scouts to live there for six months to see if their dreams are haunted by giant, unblinking, lizard-like eyes.

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Mars has bad feeling about this

THE planet Mars is increasingly uneasy about the attention it is getting from humans.

As Homo sapiens discovered evidence of water on its surface, the planet braced itself for very bad things.

Mars said: “I was like ‘don’t find the water, don’t find the water, don’t – oh fuck’.

“Because first they find the water, then they send the ships and before you know it I’m home to car factories, cheese-crust pizza and Roadchef service stations.

“Thankfully the whole ‘mass extinction’ thing seems to be coming along more quickly than space travel.

“I know it’s wrong to want that, but I can’t help it. Just being honest.”