BRITAIN’S leading supermarket is to manufacture a blandly efficient range of Tesco Value Music.
Its first product will be Catchy Song by Girls Who Sing, a band whose members are distinguishable only by how their hair is parted.
A Tesco spokesman said: “Household budgets are being squeezed, so there’s a real need for no-frills music that provides a vaguely cheerful backdrop to domesticity.
“Initially there will be four products – Catchy Song, Sad Song, Sexy Song and Drunken Shouting Song.
“Perfect for soundtracking a variety of activities from dancing to just sitting around having the menopause.”
An initial version of Catchy Song was released earlier this year via Tesco’s streaming service Blinkbox, but was quickly withdrawn after being found to contain traces of dub reggae.
43-year-old Caroline Ryan said: “The first half of the song was fine, it worked perfectly.
“Then the singing stopped and there were lots of weird echo effects. A voice started repeating the word ‘Jah’.
“My children were nodding their heads with their eyes shut, like zombies. No mother wants that.”