Tesco launches economy music range

BRITAIN’S leading supermarket is to manufacture a blandly efficient range of Tesco Value Music.

Its first product will be Catchy Song by Girls Who Sing, a band whose members are distinguishable only by how their hair is parted.

A Tesco spokesman said: “Household budgets are being squeezed, so there’s a real need for no-frills music that provides a vaguely cheerful backdrop to domesticity.

“Initially there will be four products – Catchy Song, Sad Song, Sexy Song and Drunken Shouting Song.

“Perfect for soundtracking a variety of activities from dancing to just sitting around having the menopause.”

An initial version of Catchy Song was released earlier this year via Tesco’s streaming service Blinkbox, but was quickly withdrawn after being found to contain traces of dub reggae.

43-year-old Caroline Ryan said: “The first half of the song was fine, it worked perfectly.

“Then the singing stopped and there were lots of weird echo effects. A voice started repeating the word ‘Jah’.

“My children were nodding their heads with their eyes shut, like zombies. No mother wants that.”


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Nurses to be trained in nursing

NURSES will be trained to do other things instead of just looking busy and pretending to be doctors.

Under a new regime nurses will have to spend a year helping patients eat, wash and get dressed in what experts describe as ‘nursing’ or ‘being a nurse’.

A department of health spokesman said: “The nurses will only have to be nurses for a year. Then they can go back to finding other ways of being far too busy to wipe you.

“Changing dressings and administering drugs is very demanding, especially when you’re doing it to someone who really stinks.”

The spokesman added: “We thought you didn’t really need to be fully trained to look after people when they are really ill in a hospital full of other really ill people.

“Turns out you do.

“For instance it appears that you need extra training to notice that someone has been stewing in their own filth for days. And then you need to be trained to do something about that.

“But, perhaps most surprisingly, you can’t not feed them.

“It seems that, in most circumstances, that could make them even more ill.”