Tesco to replace population with docile clones

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is to scan faces as part of a plan to murder shoppers and replace them with clones.

The corporation is photographing customers on its garage forecourts, then using the images to create identical, obedient copies.

Shelf stacker Tom Logan blew the whistle on his former employers after stumbling on its ‘pod room’ while restocking deodorants.

Logan said: “It was a vast basement full of transparent cylinders, each containing what appeared to be a human.

“As I watched in horror, one of the pods opened and out stepped the goo-coated clone of a woman who comes in to get fags twice a week.

“Lab-coated Tesco scientists wiped the slime off her and she said “Must shop” in a weird monotone before marching out.”

A Tesco spokesman confirmed: “We will photograph your face and body on our garage forecourts, use this information to make a clone using horse DNA and then when it’s ready you die in your sleep and it replaces you.

“There’s no point trying to hide it as no-one can stop us.

“We were fed up with the general populace being unable to use our self-service checkouts without getting ‘unexpected item in bagging area’. How fucking hard can it be?

“Hence we needed to make a slightly more bovine version of the public.”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “Tesco is good. Every little helps. Must buy. All bargains.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Wood burning stove brings authenticity to middle class man's life

THE purchase of a wood burning stove means that a middle class man’s life is no longer superficial.

36-year-old web designer Stephen Malley found that he is much more real and grounded since buying a stove that wood goes into.

He said: “I’ve got a heap of logs. Logs made from trees. Actual trees, from forests.

“I handle the logs.”

Malley had been concerned that his desk-based job, consumerist lifestyle and inability to stop thinking about money had left him somehow removed from the natural world.

He said: “Now that I’m burning wood on a regular basis, I feel that I’ve returned to a primal state. A sort of rugged innocence, if you will.

“I am basically a caveman, except my cave is a house that has an Apple product in every room and several large books of contemporary art prints.

“Next thing is to buy an axe, although I need to call the council first to find out if I need an axe license.”