Brooks and Coulson 'paid each other to talk about affair'

FORMER News of the World editors Rebecca Brooks and Andy Coulson only discussed their intercourse after paying each other five-figure sums, it has been claimed.

The High Court in London heard the pair had a passionate six-year affair, but only exchanged affectionate statements or love letters after signing contracts and then hiding each other at a four star hotel near Watford.

Emails revealed that Brooks contacted Coulson saying she wanted to tell him everything about his ‘bedroom prowess’ but it would cost £50,000.

In return, Coulson said the money would only be payable if Brooks agreed to a ‘world exclusive’ and a photo of her in her ‘bra and pants’.

In one email Brooks said: “I have been having an affair with a senior journalist at the News of the World. For the right price, I am willing to not only tell you that it’s you, but go into very explicit details about how you can go all night long.”

Coulson replied: “I am very interested in this story. Can we guarantee that no-one else will get hold of it before Sunday? I’m thinking in particular about your scary husband, Ross Kemp.”

The court heard how the same £50,000 would be transferred back and forth between the two lovers up to three times a week.

But the pair were almost caught when the News of the World carried a small advert saying, ‘Do you have a story about shagging the editor of the News of the World? Call the editor of the News of the World now!”

In another exchange, Coulson told Brooks: “I had the most amazing sex with a insatiable redhead last night. I want to talk about it but I need to know I will be ‘looked after’.”

Brooks replied: “The money is no problem, but I need something that’s going to set the agenda for the rest of the week.

“For instance, was one of us dressed like Captain Caveman?”

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Only unappealing 'own brand' fizzy drinks allowed on sale

FIZZY drinks must be drab ‘own brand’ versions, under new plans to cut child obesity. 

Popular brands like Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Fanta are to be withdrawn from supermarket shelves, leaving only stores’ shit-looking versions that no child on Earth wants.

A government spokesman said: “Everyone who’s ever been to school knows that shop-brand fizzy drinks, with names like ‘Low Calorie Lemonade’, ‘Farm Ginger Ale’ and ‘Fizzy Orange’, are inherently unappealing and drinking them makes you a social pariah.

“With their unimaginative branding and overall lack of any marketing concept, they smack of ‘loser’. You probably wouldn’t drink them and nor will your kids.”