Scottish border guards would force Englishmen to squeal like a pig

AN independent Scotland would have border checkpoints where guards would force English tourists to squeal like pigs.

A leading academic warned the move was inevitable because of European laws and Scotland’s innate hostility towards sophisticated outsiders.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The guards will ask to see your passport and then giggle at you menacingly. Particularly if you are a chubby male – with a pretty mouth.

“You will then be told to strip to your underpants, forced on to all-fours and ordered to squeal.

“You’ll be like this – ‘WEEE! WEEE! WEEE! WEEE!’.

“What happens next is best left to the imagination.”

A Scottish government spokesman said: “We do not foresee the circumstances in which an independent Scotland would have border guards, but if we did, it is unlikely they would force anyone on to all-fours.

“They may tell someone they have a pretty mouth, but they wouldn’t do it in a threatening or ominous way.

“They would probably say something like, ‘everything seems to be in order here and, if you don’t mind me saying so, you have a very pretty mouth’.

“‘Welcome to Scotland’.”


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RBS admits concept of 'good bank' too much of a headf*ck

ROYAL Bank of Scotland is not going to split after admitting the concept of a ‘good bank’ is too mental to contemplate.

RBS had planned to create an internal ‘bad bank’ to handle its toxic loans.

However a spokesman said: “The creation of a ‘bad bank’ infers that its counterpart is somehow ‘good’. People found the notion of a bank as a positive force puzzling, to the extent that their heads began to hurt very badly.”

Scientist Julian Cook said: “‘Good bank’ is a paradox, it’s similar to asking people to imagine something that is ‘big small’ or simultaneously black and white.”

“It’s like, woah.”