AN independent Scotland would have border checkpoints where guards would force English tourists to squeal like pigs.
A leading academic warned the move was inevitable because of European laws and Scotlands innate hostility towards sophisticated outsiders.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: The guards will ask to see your passport and then giggle at you menacingly. Particularly if you are a chubby male – with a pretty mouth.
You will then be told to strip to your underpants, forced on to all-fours and ordered to squeal.
Youll be like this – WEEE! WEEE! WEEE! WEEE!.
What happens next is best left to the imagination.
A Scottish government spokesman said: We do not foresee the circumstances in which an independent Scotland would have border guards, but if we did, it is unlikely they would force anyone on to all-fours.
They may tell someone they have a pretty mouth, but they wouldnt do it in a threatening or ominous way.
They would probably say something like, everything seems to be in order here and, if you dont mind me saying so, you have a very pretty mouth.
Welcome to Scotland.