The Mash guide to surviving the financial meltdown

BANKERS, politicians and all the other people who caused 2008’s financial apocalypse agree that things are about to go tits up again.

Here’s how to survive the coming crash:

    •    Immediately shift all your savings to the shakiest bank with the worst reputation, because that one will likely go bust while the government still has enough money to pay savers back.

•    Give your children little lessons in sewing sequins and mining cobalt now, so they’re ahead of the game when the labour laws change.

•    Put all your money in gold and drag the gold around with you in a big sack.

•    Remember, a bear market is bad for investors, governments and you, just as having a bear in your house would be. A bull market is good for investors and governments but bad for you, just as having a bull in your house would be.

•    Don’t assume that Mad Max-esque punk clothes and hair will come back into fashion when society collapses. It takes a lot of hair products to maintain a mohican. Go for jeans, t-shirt and a weapon that can fit in your belt.

•    If you are one of the 62 people who own half the world’s wealth, oil falling below $9 a barrel is the signal. Meet in the Little Sandy Desert, Western Australia, with your plus three for the rocket flight. Mars has been prepared.

•    Most importantly, do not make any effort to understand why or how this is happening. It is a law of nature that things you do not understand cannot harm you.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Gazing into your crystal ball, the spiderweb cracks and red stains you see tell you that yes, the police will be able to identify it as the murder weapon. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you find a mysterious time portal back to the mid-1990s and make a fortune predicting plot twists on Goodnight Sweetheart

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Friday you buy the Adele album, just because you can’t bear for this wonderful story about record-breaking global sales to end.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Taureans can expect light snow in high areas on Thursday, heavy frosts and the real possibility of heavy snowfall on Friday. For other signs, it will be different. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Later today, you finish a ‘Which Britpop band are you?’ quiz to discover that you are not a Britpop band and had no business completing the quiz.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When they say it’s good to do different things in a relationship, they don’t mean living in different countries, having totally different social lives and sleeping with different people. Although whatever works. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Japan! That’s who the other baddies in World War Two were! If only you’d remembered a week ago, you would still have got nowhere on Only Connect

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not sure whether you’re a man who dreams he’s a butterfly or a butterfly who dreams he’s a man, which may explain your current employment status.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You would describe the weather this weekend as ‘a thin dusting of snow’, if you knew anything about dusting. Or being thin.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Thursday you spend a good three hours pondering what mugs have to do with Easter eggs and why they sell them together.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will state will inexplicable pride that you only own eight CDs.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
In this cold weather, you always check in on your elderly neighbours once a day. It would be daft to let a bit of frost keep you out of their will.