The poor, beleaguered landlord's guide to why it's a really hard time for them, actually

BUY-TO-LET landlords are seeing their profits slump due to increases in mortgage rates. Landlord Martin Bishop explains why else it’s a terribly difficult job:

The government’s against us

Thanks to the Conservatives, who are meant to be our guys, mortgages are rocketing. This means a buy-to-let landlord with an eight-property London portfolio is screwed. I’m looking at selling at least one of them. You can’t imagine the emotional toll of that. It will honestly be worse than being homeless.

Maintenance and upkeep is problematic

By which I mean f**king expensive. We’re being bled dry. Tenants these days put up such a fuss about faulty wiring and gas safety certificates. Do you know how much electricians and dampproofing cost? Obviously not, because you don’t even own a house, you workshy scum, I mean valued tenant.

Nobody has a good word

You’d think people would be grateful for a place to live, but they carp endlessly about paying out 30 per cent of their wage on a beige shithole where they aren’t allowed to put up pictures or have pets. Yes, the washing machine’s been broken for seven months, but I’m very busy ignoring all my other tenants right now.

No one believes in our altruism

I got into this job to help people. To put a roof over the heads of those in need. To give something back. So stop moaning that I’ve served you with a section 21 notice because I need to put the rent up. You’ve had your turn. Move on.

Everyone thinks we’re in it for the money 

I mean, they’re not wrong. We’re tightfisted f**kers who go out of our way to screw people out of their deposit. But we still hurts us when they to think it.

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How to pathetically capitulate to the Qatari regime while watching at home

VIRGIN Atlantic is dropping gender-neutral uniforms for the British team’s flight to Qatar. It seems everyone is caving in to the illiberal state, so how can you join in?

Lock up a gay mate

Invite a gay friend over to watch the footie. They won’t suspect a thing until you bundle them into a prison cell. Three years is a long time to be locked in your spare room with its new steel door, but as an England fan they’ll agree we must respect our evil bigoted bastard hosts.

Give up alcohol…

Doing the respectful thing will be particularly punishing during low-grade group games nobody gives a toss about, like Japan vs Costa Rica. Also risks the realisation that football’s boring when you’re not pissed, with millions of fans worldwide moving on to air hockey. Another triumph for FIFA.

… or go to extreme lengths to hide your drinking

The Qatari royal family has ordered that beer tents are hidden from view. Do likewise by crouching in the shed and shotgunning Stella before rushing back to the TV. You’ll miss crucial goals but it’s good practise for concealing alcoholism.

Get a few more wives

Qatari men can have up to four wives, so even if you’re married there are three slots left. Treat it like putting together your fantasy football team: one wife who’s good at cooking, a hot one for sex, a generalist to do the school run, etc. This isn’t misogyny, you’re supporting Southgate and the lads.

Exploit a migrant worker

Get a Polish builder to build an extension by confiscating his passport, then only pay him £5. He won’t be happy so ensure he has an ‘accident’ with his cement mixer. If the police are backing England that will be the last you hear of it. It’s the Qatari way.

Become a male guardian

Women can’t do much in Qatar without the permission of a male guardian. Become your sister’s guardian and inform her that she retroactively can’t marry your brother-in-law and is divorced. You’ve always hated that smug bastard Hugh with his slip-on shoes and BMW.

Take the women in your life clothes shopping

Your wife/wives and teenage daughters will be delighted you’re treating them to a new wardrobe, less so when they discover it’s headscarves and long-sleeved, ankle-length dresses. Explain how much happier they’ll be when not exposed to harmful Western influences.