There's No More Money, Says Man Who Prints All The Money

BRITAIN has run out of money, the man who prints it said last night.

Bank of England governor Mervyn King urged everyone to take his word for it and that if they didn't believe him he could show them the big room where he keeps it all.

Mr King's comments have put him on a collision course with prime minister Gordon Brown who last night insisted the Great Money Forest of Hampshire would soon be in bloom, promising a bumper harvest of ripe, crisp tenners.

But Mr King told a committee of MPs yesterday: "If anyone is still inclined to agree with the prime minister's magical Hampshire forest theory, I would advise you to open your wallet, get out a ten pound note and read it.

"You will notice that across the top, in large, capital letters, it says 'Bank of England'. Well, I'm the boss of that.

"And if I can draw your attention to the bottom left hand corner, you will see that it's signed by someone called the 'Chief Cashier'. That's right, you've guessed it, he works for me.

"If you then turn it over you will see there is also a portrait of the eminent scientist Charles Darwin, who, if he was alive today, would undoubtedly agree with my assessment, what with him not being a complete bloody idiot."

Mr King added: "I might be persuaded to print a little bit more money later in the year so that RBS can give Sir Fred Goodwin enough cash to finally buy his own volcano, but that is absolutely it."

A Downing Street spokesman said: "Everyone in the world agrees with the prime minister that we need to keep spending loads more money – except the Conservatives. And the Bank of England. And the CBI. And the French and the Germans and the European Central bank. Look just fuck off, alright?"

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RSPB Gives Surprise Backing To Gigantic Bird Mincers

THE RSPB surprised conservationists last night by calling for the immediate construction of a UK-wide network of gigantic bird mincers.

The society revealed it was backing the construction of huge windfarms because it had grown sick of birds, which it said were noisy, unhygienic and interested only in themselves.

According to its research only 2% of UK birds are currently being minced, compared to 15% in Spain, 20% in Germany and 29% in Denmark, the European leader in the shredding of protected bird species.

A spokesman said: "We aren't saying put up windfarms anywhere, we want them targeted where they will kill most birds, especially big ones like swans and Golden Eagles.

"We want a coastal network of large turbines to stop foreign birds and a mini-turbine on every roof to get the really annoying little ones like finches and tits.

"But what we'd really like is a load of radar stations to give us early warning of where the birds are, just like they had for the Luftwaffe during the Battle of Britain.

"Then we can funnel them in towards the turbines or – and this will require a bit of work – we can bolt some turbines onto a lorry and chase the bastards down."

The spokesman added: "It does mean we'll probably have to use the 'B' in RSPB for something else. We're thinking about 'Brians'."

The policy change follows the recent recruitment as chief executive of country sports enthusiast Brian Logan from the energy giant E.on.

Mr Logan said: "Have you ever seen an osprey go through one of those rotors? Helluva show – blood and beak parts everywhere. You'd pay good money to see that."