Third Heathrow runway to be disguised by cave mouth and collapsible palm trees

HEATHROW’S third runway will be discreetly hidden inside a cliff face with palm trees that fold down when planes launch.

Following opposition from environmental groups, plans for the runway have been revised to include an artificial mountain and tropical theme.

A spokesman for the Airports Commission said: “Passengers, rather than going through the messy shuttle bus process, will simply stand against a wall, be flipped upside down onto specially-adapted baggage carousels and taken direct to their seats with a Mai Tai in their hand.

“The mountainside will then open up, the palm trees will fold to the side revealing a runway, and a bit at the end will lift up to provide a ramp, which most runways don’t have but we thought might come in useful.

“After a plane has taken off, the palm trees will go back and the cave close up until the next flight is ready to depart, approximately 120 seconds later.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you struggle to laugh along as the boss insists on painting you bright yellow and calling you his minion.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you recreate the feeling of buying a pair of Dre Beats headphones by buying a decent £50 pair of headphones and giving the other £100 to an utter twat.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not up your ‘wow it’s hot’ game in work by wearing a massive barometer around your neck like Favour Flav?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After weeks of eating nothing but super-foods you’ll achieve your goal tomorrow by being super-boring.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I’m not sure dousing chips and meat pie with salad cream makes it a ‘salad’, actually.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re not the most sexually experimental of signs, as Sunday’s ‘try it with my eyes open’ session with your partner suggests.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve really earned your holiday that starts on Saturday, inasmuch as ‘fifty weeks of fag breaks and watching your eBay bids’ counts as ‘earned’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In any conflict you always try to be the bigger man, but given your pasty habit that’s not difficult.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Pluto enters your sign this week, asking if it’s allowed to be a planet again like some needy little prick.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You don’t suffer fools gladly, calling into question your position in this year’s gooseberry-judging competition.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
And when you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. ‘That feeling’ being a burning sensation when you urinate.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Come on, Tim!