Thomas Cook Sacrifices Redknapps To Volcano God

TRAVEL operator Thomas Cook was last night forced to offer up Jamie and Louise Redknapp to an angry volcano god.

The celebrity couple were hurled into Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokul following a short ceremony by the company’s chief shaman, during which they were doused with chicken blood and beaten across the upper arms with a hickory rod.

A Thomas Cook spokesman said: “As much as we hated to sacrifice Jamie and Louise, we have to put the comfort and welfare of our passengers first. It’s all been approved by ABTA.

“Fjurtnir, the dragon god living inside the volcano whose fiery breath clouds the skies, has assured our chief shaman that he is now sated and there will be no further wrathful belching of ash.”

He added: “The Redknapps went willingly to their deaths, perhaps because we told them there was some money and a GQ Man of the Year Award ceremony at the bottom.”

Experts said Fjurtnir probably would have become angry after seeing the recent Thomas Cook campaign featuring a man who may have been footballer at some point and his buxom spaniel wife.

Nikki Hollis, professor of tourism adverts at Reading University, said: “The scenes of the millionaire couple pretending to enjoy half board in Cala d’Or for Â£299 including car hire would have stoked Fjurtnir’s rage, assuming that televisions work inside volcanoes.

“Certainly they made me want to hit them again and again and again and again and again.”

She added: ‘”We can only hope that they suffered appallingly.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Bee!

OH shit, there’s a fucking bee in here, it was confirmed last night.

The presence of a bee emerged shortly after the volume was turned down amid complaints of a faint buzzing sound coming from somewhere.

Moments later the potentially lethal intruder was spotted bumping its head gently against the living room window before retreating, performing a tight loop and then starting all over again.

But as beeologists stressed it was just a bumble bee, which is actually rather cute and furry and essential to the production of food, everyone told them to shut the fuck up or get the hell out of the way.

Tom Logan, a part time anti-bee activist, said: “Nobody move a muscle while I use this fish slice to coax it towards the window.

“Gently… gently… gently. Oh sweet fucking Jesus, I’ve lost it. Where’s it gone. WHERE HAS IT GONE?”

Mr Logan then fled to the kitchen, re-emerging 20 minutes later with an even bigger fish slice, a garlic press and wet towel draped over his head.

Meanwhile Helen Archer, a potential bee victim, insisted: “It’s okay… it’s okay. Bees only attack you if you attack them. Or is it the other way round? Oh my God, I can’t remember.”

She added: “KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Like their relatives the honey bees, bumblebees feed on nectar and gather pollen to feed their young. They do not have ears.”

But Anne Logan, a part-time assistant anti-bee activist, said: “Fuck that shit. I’m probably allergic to bees according to an article I saw in Woman’s Head.”

As Mrs Logan went on-line to search for bomb-making instructions, Mr Logan screamed ‘ALL IS LOST’ before dowsing himself in petrol, setting himself alight and hurling his flaming body at the bee which slipped quietly out of the window and had a quick look round before settling on a lovely daffodil.

Next story ›