Venture Capitalists Invest In Somali Pirates

VENTURE capitalists in New York and London are pumping millions of dollars into Somalia's booming pirate sector.

The sharp-eyed investors say Indian Ocean piracy has replaced Bangladeshi t-shirt factories as the developing world's strongest source of high-growth revenue streams.

Julian Cook, head of strategy at Porter, Pinkney and Turner (PPT), said: "The margins are very impressive. These guys can board a Chinese freighter or Saudi oil tanker and turn it around in less than a week. Usually without killing anyone.

"The staff are well-trained and they operate a structured bonus system involving the daughters of nomadic tribal chiefs and as much hallucinogenic tree bark as they can eat.

"The tax position is also very favourable given that Somalia isn't really what you would describe as a 'country' with 'laws' and a 'government'."

PPT has paid £25.7 million for a 32% stake in Captain Ahmed's Crazee Bastards with the initial tranche used for capital purchases including new speed boats, 200 yards of very strong rope and a gun the size of a cow.

The investment will also be used to establish an out-sourced personnel department to ensure the quick replacement of any colleagues shot by the Royal Navy during working hours.

Captain Ahmed will retain day-to-day management control and has also negotiated a clause allowing him to go 'ape-shit crazee' and shoot everyone on board up to three times a year.

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BBC Captures Rare Footage Of Fiona Bruce Having A Shit

IT is as thick as your arm and smells disgusting – and it has just been caught on camera for what is thought to be the first time.

A crew has managed to record a Fiona Bruce – the BBC's  biggest newsreader – expelling food waste, which was then scooped up for research.

Biologist Tom Logan said the sample had helped him to discover more about the giant creature's feeding habits.

Fiona Bruces (Antiquodon Roadshowius) are related to Anna Fords, but are far less fearsome. They are filter feeders, swimming about with their enormous mouths open to scoop up tasty morsels floating in their paths.

They can grow up to 12m long; yet, despite their staggering size, very little is known about these newsreading giants. Dr Logan added: "It does seem rather weird, someone being so excited about seeing Fiona Bruce poo. I'm pretty certain that this is the first time it has been filmed.

"But it is pretty rare – they are usually doing their business down in much deeper water." He described the faeces that the team collected as "scientific gold".

"One way to work out what is going in one end is to look at what is coming out of the other.

"By seeing a Fiona Bruce poo and getting hold of some of that stuff, we can use sophisticated genetic techniques to look at the DNA in that sample to find out exactly what those animals have been eating."

Genetic analysis revealed the Fiona Bruce had been feasting on red crab larvae and bits of Sophie Raworth.