Waitrose unveils 23-bird roast

WAITROSE has launched its neighbor-trumping 23-bird Deluxe Roast.

The 125kg avian megajoint has a bee hummingbird in its centre, encased in 21 further species separated by substratum of various patés, with an ostrich exterior.

A spokesman: “All our gluttony-inspired products are ethically sourced and it’s bang on trend for the Game of Thrones medieval feasting vibe.

“We advise getting it started by this Sunday at the latest otherwise it will only be cooked as far in as the swan layer by Christmas afternoon.

“If refrigerated properly you’re looking at cassowary soup and budgie curry until about June.”

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People born in 80s to spend retirement fleeing from euthanasia robots

PEOPLE now in their 30s will spend their retirement fleeing from government robots programmed to kill old people.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “An ageing population means that Britons can no longer expect to spend their retirement playing golf, going to Florida and obsessing about the parking space outside their house.

“By the 2030s the government will have an army of ‘reaperbots’ programmed to hunt and kill the billions of older people who have outlived their economic usefulness.

“The robots will be able to smell your DNA and have hypodermics for fingers. Also they will be strong enough to punch holes in walls in their pursuit of you.

“On the plus side, in the future there will be massive tellies and strawberry flavoured crisps.”