YouTube 'does not contain anything good'

YOUTUBE is desperately searching its site for content it can charge users for without being laughed at.

After the website announced it would be offering paid-for entertainment channels, staff have been scouring the site for content that can in any way be described as entertaining.

YouTube content manager Tom Booker said: “Finding potential paid-for content is proving harder than expected, mainly because everything on YouTube is a mind-bendingly awful piece of shit.

“Once you take away illegally uploaded music videos and films, all that’s left is cats and people ranting into a webcam in a way that may be racist if you could actually understand them.

“Somehow I doubt users are going to pay a monthly subscription for slide shows of sharks set to dire trance music by 009 Sound System.

“Even where users have uploaded professional content, they’ve usually fucked it up in some way, for example by replacing the audio track of Family Guy with Rammstein, or something equally peculiar.

“If we don’t find some decent content soon, we’d better hope people really like compilations of Russian drunk drivers and fake Al Qaeda videos.”

Regular YouTube user Stephen Malley said: “I have to admit most YouTube content is pretty crap, apart from my own videos cataloguing minor plot inconsistencies in Star Trek: The Next Generation, which are hilarious.

“In season six episode nine Worf claims he has never heard of the planet Mufaron, when in fact he went there in season three episode eight. I’m laughing just thinking about it.”



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Bollocks is Britain’s first language

BOLLOCKS has replaced English as the UK’s mostly commonly spoken language, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that most Britons were fluent speakers of bollocks, and could talk bollocks on almost any subject without the need for facts or logic.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “For example, in English we might say ‘The cat sat on the mat’, whereas if we’re talking bollocks we say: ‘Did you know cats are descended from velociraptors? That’s why they’ve got claws.’

“Some subjects are more conducive to bollocks than others, for example football.

“An accomplished bollocks-speaker can leave the listener wondering why they aren’t managing an international club instead of sitting by a fruit machine in urine-stained trousers.”

Middle manager Nikki Hollis said: “A sound grasp of bollocks is a job requirement for me. How else would I be able to action a paradigm shift in our company’s strategic vision?”

Historians believe that bollocks was first spoken in 1649, originating from a group of rural freeloaders called the Blaggers.

In 1666 their leader Tom ‘I’m Taller Than I Am’ Logan wrote the first bollocks book I Punched A Bear And It Didn’t Even Do Anything.