Broadband customers to pay 'up to' 100% of their bill

FRUSTRATED broadband customers have decided to pay ‘up to’ all of their bill.

As it emerged that you have to get up at 4am to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix without it buffering all the fucking time, consumers decided enough was enough.

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “My internet connection is like an elderly man with prostate problems trying to urinate.

“I understood that I may not have got the absolute maximum broadband speed when I signed up, however I would still quite like it to fucking work.

“So I’ve decided that it’s fine to pay a monthly sum of money that is virtually nothing compared with what I originally offered to pay.

“If my service provider complains, they’ll be able to find my contact number on my website, hidden right down the bottom of the fucking page in a tiny font.

“Then I’ll keep them on hold for an hour, playing Doctor Alban at deafening volume, before politely telling them that they don’t matter.”

Broadband provider CEO Julian Cook said: “I suppose this is what my Mumbai call centre operatives would describe as ‘karma’.”



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Albert Camus to advertise energy drink

FRANCE is to pimp out its cultural heritage in order to clear its debts.

President Francois Hollande has sold all rights to the country’s artists, philosophers and novelists to the highest corporate bidder.

A computer-generated image of philosopher Albert Camus will promote an energy drink called Dominator.

The CG philosopher said: “Sometimes you need that extra edge to penetrate the depths of the human experience.

“Dominator keeps me having profound thoughts all night long. Other philosophers just can’t keep up!”

Jean-Paul Sartre’s books will be rewritten to include references to a product called ‘Cheesy Bites’.

The new corporate-sponsored version of his major work Critique of Dialectical Reason will be entitled Critique of Other Snacks That Aren’t Cheesy Bites.

Francois Hollande said: “It was this or get a payday loan, it seemed the more dignified choice.

“I should probably mention that I’ve loaned the Eiffel tower to the Germans, but we’re totally buying it back next year when things are more sorted.”