Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After the charts success of the Funky Chicken, Disco Duck and The Birdie Song, you’re convinced you’ve got a big hit on your hands with your single ‘Crump Moorhen’.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Well this is the last time you moan to Phyllis Nelson about your long commute home. The woman’s only ever got one answer.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
At your next work review deflect any criticism by adding “…like a FOX!” after it (e.g. “Oh yeah? Grossly incompetent and unprofessional like a FOX!”).

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After 20 years of marriage you feel that the tagline to Love Story should have been ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry because if she doesn’t like it she can move back home with her fucking mother’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Orwell said that by the age of 50 a man has the face he deserves, so you’ve got about two years to set about Piers Morgan’s dial with a burning cactus.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, it transpires that you feel alienated from your local community not because of the influx of immigrants but because you’re a pinch-mouthed bigot with a face like the Daily Mail taking a shit.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you buy your girlfriend some Jimmy Choo perfume because you’ve always wanted to go out with somebody who smells like feet.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re sick of being told that any criticism you make of Israel makes you an anti-Semite. If anything it’s your strident views on National Socialism that do that.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A more exciting transfer day deadline than usual this Thursday as you’re called into your manager’s office at Tesco and told you’re QPR’s new striker.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That empty feeling in the pit of your stomach might be the onset of existential dread or because you’ve been on a three-day speed binge. Either way, chips & gravy in a bap should sort it out.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Jupiter refuses to enter your star sign until you get that thing seen to by a doctor.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Previously on Capricorn…



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Britain's workforce 'needs drugs to cope with the shame'

DOING your job is probably less ethical than taking drugs, it has been claimed.

As Britain’s top policeman called for more drugs testing in the workplace, experts asked him whether he wanted corporate drones to start self-harming with staple guns.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Most people work in sales, marketing or ‘financial services’, and are required to fuck over their fellow man on a daily basis.

“Smoking weed is the only way they can get to sleep at night.”

Office workers Emma Bradford said: “My job is to ring up vulnerable people and get them to buy some double glazing they don’t need or can’t afford.

“Apparently doing this makes me a pillar of the economy. But I could lose my house for smoking a bifter. Go figure.”

Banker Tom Booker said: “My job is basically to ruin people’s lives. And at the end of a long day’s life-ruining, I need cocaine to take the edge off my waking nightmare.

“I hope no one ever realises alcohol is a recreational drug, then I’m really fucked.”