62-year-old woman confused by crush on Noel Fielding

A MATRONLY Bake Off fan is questioning everything she knew about herself after realising she is attracted to a man who dresses like a lady.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, originally found Fielding scruffy but soon found herself so smitten she could not wait to see him again.

She said: “I’d never watched Channel 4 after 5pm before Bake-Off changed channels, because I thought it was dangerous. How right I was.

“That beguiling creature, like a baby giraffe wearing the stubbled chin of a man but the lustrous lashes and shapely limbs of a girl, has touched me in ways I did not know I could be touched.

“I want to scrub him clean and set him right, I want to take him dress-shopping, I want him to scandalise my book group by kissing me after a thoroughgoing discussion of Middlemarch, I want him to do me proper over my tombola stall.

“I yearn to tear him away from the predatory claws of Prue Leith and to keep him caged like a goth canary.

“To think I used to like Paul Hollywood. He seems so vanilla now.”

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Farage to speak at far-right German rally just like he dreamed of doing as a boy

NIGEL Farage is to speak at the rally of a far-right German party, just like he dreamed of doing when he was a boy at school. 

The former UKIP leader will speak to Germany’s anti-immigration Alternative für Deutschland party at the Spandau Citadel today, and admitted it is one he will be crossing off his bucket list.

He continued: “When I was just an innocent lad at Dulwich College, after an evening’s drinking and singing Hitler Youth songs and restaging our favourite bits of the war in Risk, I’d drift off to sleep just wishing I could be there.

“Wishing it was me stepping out on that stage, spotlights aimed at the sky, wearing that uniform and delivering those stirring words to those men standing in their ranks, all the excitement still before them.

“However you can’t travel in time – if only I could, the advice I could give him! – so I moved on, but the rise of a far-right xenophobic movement in Germany means I can now live out those childhood dreams. Surely even the jealous lefties can’t begrudge me that.”

He added: “What if I get them so fired up they spontaneously invade Poland? Gosh.”