62-year-old woman confused by crush on Noel Fielding

A MATRONLY Bake Off fan is questioning everything she knew about herself after realising she is attracted to a man who dresses like a lady.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, only watched Bake Off to confirm how wrong they were to leave the BBC but found herself so smitten with Noel Fielding she could not wait to see him again.

She said: “I’d never watched Channel 4 after 5pm before because I thought it was dangerous. How right I was.

“That beguiling creature, like a baby giraffe wearing the stubbled chin of a man but the lustrous lashes and shapely limbs of a girl, has touched me in ways I did not know I could be touched.

“I want to scrub him clean and set him right, I want to take him dress-shopping, I want him to scandalise my book group by kissing me after a thoroughgoing discussion of Middlemarch, I want him to do me proper over my tombola stall.

“I yearn to tear him away from the stern eyes of Toksvig and the predatory claws of Prue Leith and to keep him caged like a goth canary.

“To think I used to like Paul Hollywood. He seems so vanilla now.”