F**king take Northern Ireland if you're so in love with it, Davis tells EU

DAVID Davis has told the EU that if they think Northern Ireland’s so bloody great they can sodding well have it. 

The Brexit secretary snapped after yet another day was wasted on the province’s borders and peace agreement instead of the key issue of City financial services. 

He said: “Tell you what, Barnier, if Northern Ireland’s such a big cocking deal to you then you deal with it. It’s yours. It’s going with you. 

“No, I don’t give a shit about their tinpot border, you spotted that? Nor do I give a single solitary bugger about the Good Friday whatever. Frankly I’d forgotten we even had them. I mean they’re no Gibraltar. 

“There, they’re yours. Now can we please talk about London and the City, things that actually fucking matter?” 

EU negotiator Michel Barnier said: “Now this extraordinary offer has been made, we must concentrate our talks solely upon Northern Ireland for the next four to five months.

“To do otherwise would be irresponsible.” 

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Ask Holly: Who is the princess here???

Dear Holly, 

Why is it that I am going through hell being preggers and puking my guts all day long, whereas that Kim Kardashian gets to lounge around drinking Cristal and taking selfies whilst a lowly surrogate does all the hard work? Who is the princess here??? Should I ask my husband to try to be more like Kanye?



Dear Catherine,

All married people secretly wish they were married to someone else sometimes. For example, my mum wishes she was married to Gary Lineker, Paul Hollywood and the Hound from Game of Thrones. And Poldark. And that Irish psychopath murderer from The Fall. But not Wayne Rooney. I’m not sure why she wouldn’t want to marry him; maybe because he wouldn’t be very good at doing the washing up.

Hope that helps!