85% Of Men Have No Idea How To React To Helen Mirren In A Bikini

THE majority of British men were in a state of extreme confusion last night after seeing photos of 63 year-old Helen Mirren in a bikini.

The Oscar winning dame was pictured frolicking by the sea in Italy, showing off a body that makes Eva Longoria look like a saggy, withered old hag.

Clad in a skimpy, red two-piece that showed off her tight stomach, slender thighs and still lively breasts, the star of The Queen and Prime Suspect, gave herself a right good soaking in the warm, sensual waters of the Adriatic, before popping her teeth back in.

She then stretched her firm body on the rocks to bask in the sunshine while reading a book about prunes.

Wayne Hayes, a 33 year-old from Exeter, said: "I'd do 'er. I'd do 'er all flippin' night. Oh bollocks, she's older than my mum."

Forty-one year-old Roy Hobbs, from Cleethorpes, who watches Mirren in Excalibur at least six times a day, said: "Yes, well, crikey. She's a lovely, mature woman. Extremely talented. Jolly good."

He added: "If you'll excuse me, I have to go and watch Excalibur."

Julian Cook, 25, from London, said: "To be honest with you, I fancied her in The Queen.

"I don't want to make some crude remark about pearl necklaces, but yes, I totally would have."

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Party Leaders Forced To Holiday In Britain

GORDON Brown and David Cameron both considered resigning from their posts after being forced to spend another summer holiday in Britain, it was claimed last night.

Both party leaders are understood to be furious at the prospect of two weeks in a dreary seaside hell-hole thanks to the economic slowdown and 'bastard environmentalists'.

Sources say the prime minister asked senior advisers where in his contract it said he had to go to Suffolk, while Mr Cameron had to be talked out of an angry rejection of his hard-won green credentials.

Mr Brown is understood to have told colleagues: "I earn 190 grand a year. I could go to that place in Mauritius where the hotel rooms are little huts perched above the water. First bloody class. But because that arsehole Darling has fucked my economy I have to go to Southwold.

"And the fucking tree huggers would do a spaz if I got on a plane, despite the fact I'll be emitting 400 tonnes of carbon just keeping my seaside cottage warm in the middle of FUCKING JULY!"

While some political observers say two weeks on the bleak, windswept Suffolk coast fits well with the prime minister's brooding character, his friends say he's not that fucking miserable.

Meanwhile a source close to Mr Cameron said: "Would he rather be next to the pool at a sprawling, tastefully renovated farmhouse in Gascony, where it is currently 88 degrees? Of course I fucking would.

"But because 'everyone is so poor', I – he – has to pretend to give a shit by dragging his arse to some rain sodden toilet in Cornwall and force down the fish and chips for a fortnight while all the 'poor people' piss off to Majorca.

"And global warming's a lot of cock. I fucking hate this job."