Fat Guy Made Excellent Firedoor, Say Colleagues

A FIREFIGHTER sacked for being overweight is a key member of the team and makes an outstanding firedoor, his colleagues said last night.

The men of Red Watch said Kevin Ogilvie has the perfect physique for the job and they often use him to extinguish out-of-control bonfires just by sitting on them.

Ogilvie was also deployed as a mobile dike during last summer's floods, while his huge bulk has provided a soft landing for thousands of cats.

Tom Logan, a fellow Red Watch member, said: "I've lost count of the times Kev has saved my life, although I was off work for six months after he stood on my foot.

"When we head into a burning house he heads straight for the kitchen to make sure no-one is trapped in the fridge."

However, station commander Bill McKay said Ogilvie was a walking chip-pan who could destroy a whole building if he went off.

McKay added: "He uses up all the oxygen just getting out of the truck, he's buckled four ladders and we can longer afford the diesel to drive him about.

"This lot are supporting him, but they won't follow him into a burning building after lunch and face being wiped out by his deadly backdraft."

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Public Has Nothing To Fear From Gigantic, All-Powerful Database

THE government last night dismissed fears over its massive, evil database insisting it would only ever be used to peer into the very depths of your soul.

Ministers have been forced to defend plans to record every email, text message, internet search and phone call, against critics who say it is both terrifying and tremendously fucked-up.

But home secretary Jacqui Smith stressed the database was not only essential to the war on terror, but would bring government and citizen much closer together.

She said: "Look, the thing is, I like you – a lot – and I just want to know everything about you.

"I can't 'give' myself to someone unless I know I can trust them completely. D'you know what I'm saying?

"I need to know your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your freaky online habits and your socially unacceptable opinions."

She added: "Think of it as a romantic dinner where you're telling me your entire life story, except the table's bugged and I'm listening to you in that suspicious looking van across the road."

Insisting she would only have us killed if she had no choice, Ms Smith said: "The easiest thing is to just stop being different in any way.

"But, on the outside chance your data does match our Profile of Unacceptability, I will make sure they use a high-powered rifle."