TEENAGERS are being urged to sponge themselves thoroughly following a sharp increase in young person's sex diseases.
Health department statistics show a 13% rise in cracklice among 16-24 year olds, as well as another year-on-year increase in bumhoops.
The recent fashion for casual, unsupervised intercourse with red-heads has also led to a sharp rise in incurable gingerrhea.
Sir Liam Donaldson, the government's chief medical officer, said: "To achieve optimum post-coital cleanliness, boys should wipe their private area with a soft sponge and some Pears Soap. It will remove the tiny sex germs and help to minimise scrotal chafing."
He added: "Girls who are actively private should do their sex standing up and then push very hard on their belly button for 15 minutes.
"To obstruct the progress of sexual bacteria, they should then pour a jug of luke-warm water down their bloomers and sit on a cold step."
The government is also urging girls to sterilse their skipping ropes and has ordered the secondary modern schools to be deloused after an infestation of gonorrhoea spiders.
Sir Liam blamed popular music stars such as Perry Como and Lonnie Donegan for making sex diseases so fashionable, adding: "Alas, it would seem most boys would rather have herpes than a new train set."