One Woman's Week: Nazi Pants

By Karen Fenessey

BECAUSE I am so close to God, many people assume I am a prudish bore. But, I hate to break this to you: I am the princess of passion, the queen of copulation and the duchess of penis! Consequently, I think it is deplorable that a man can be put on trial over the outfits he chooses to wear while he is getting down.

I must say, I was surprised to discover on which side Max Mosley's bread is buttered because if it was me, I would totally dibs the 'German'. However, on reflection, I realise that it was such a nice gesture for him to go the 'prisoner' and let the girls have a bit of fun for a change.

It's just this kind of chivalrous behaviour that should be setting the precedent for bums like my boyfriend Donny. I actually have a pair of pants which are red and white with black shapes on them, and, in a certain light, they kind of look like swastikas. Occasionally, when Donny and I go for a night out, I wear them, and get such a buzz from feeling like I could herd the entire restaurant on to a train, were I to take the whim! They give a girl a certain added 'je ne sais pas pourquoi' and I know that when I walk into the room with my special pants on, I'm a real page turner.

If only Donny could appreciate my beauty and talent the way a real man like Max would. If me and Max met up in a hotel bar, I have no doubt that within five minutes we'd be getting down to some serious Abu Ghraib-inspired high-jinks.

It is a sorry state of affairs when a man can't just go out and do a spot of 'German' activity with some good friends – especially when the friends aren't actually 'German' and no one leaves as a lampshade!

I believe that people should be allowed to express themselves sexually any way they please because I am tolerant and a socialist. Except, of course, for randy pensioners and overweight lesbians because that's just sick.

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Mystery Bug Deported

A MYSTERY insect discovered at the Natural History Museum in London has been deported, the Home Office confirmed last night. 

Museum staff contacted the authorities after failing to classify the previously unknown red and black bug.

Professor Tom Logan, head of the Entomology department, said: "It was only after we had looked through all of these really huge books, that we realised we had no choice but to phone the police."

He added: "Maybe it is harmless, but I definitely noticed a reaction when we spoke to it in Arabic."

The insect was taken to Notting Hill police station, but said nothing during more than 12 hours of interrogation.

A Home Office spokesman said: "It was given legal support and had every opportunity to identify itself and explain the nature of its business in the United Kingdom.

"By failing to answer our questions, we were forced to conclude that this insect represented a potential threat to our national security."

The insect was last night placed on a chartered jet bound for Cairo where it will be released into local police custody.

The spokesman added: "If only this insect had been carrying an ID card, it would be working in a central London hotel and making the most of the remaining 20 minutes of its life."