Ronnie Wood Finally Slows Down

ROLLING Stone Ronnie Wood has ditched his punishing regime of endless cocaine binges for the more sedate lifestyle of month-long drinking sessions with Russian barmaids.

Friends of Wood are relieved that, at the age of 61, he is finally slowing down and devoting more of his time to vodka and teenage girls.

One source close to the superstar said: "Ronnie was a workaholic. He would spend up to three weeks without sleep, constantly looking for new holes to put cocaine into.

"His only respite would be the hourly break to drink absinthe and have dangerously acrobatic sex with nine of the women queuing outside the hotel."

The source added: "There's only so long you can keep that up before your body says, 'enough is enough – drink nothing but vodka and stick to one teenager at a time'."

Another close friend said: "For Ronnie this is a bit like taking up gardening or golf.

"He's getting to bed at 4am and sleeping for at least five hours a night. He's introduced solids into his diet and is only smoking things that started off as plants.

"But what's really important is that for the first time in his life, he's really enjoying his vodka and 19 year-olds."

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Brown To Flood Streets With 100,000 Crazed Thugs

GORDON Brown is to tackle violent crime by identifying the country's worst families and forcing them to live on the streets.

The prime minister believes Britain's most anti-social maniacs will only become law-abiding, productive members of society once they are both unemployed and homeless.

A Downing Street spokesman said: "At first they will roam around town centres, terrorising the local population and robbing people at knifepoint.

"But eventually these feral gangs will take over the Asda car park and set up a Mad Max style community, governed by a deranged tyrant with a Mohican.

"Each day at sunset they will launch terrifying raids on the local population, stealing food, petrol and women.

"For entertainment they will round-up able-bodied men and make them fight to the death in a ramshackle arena, while they rev the engines of their huge motorcycles and howl at the moon."

He added: "There is a danger they will become so powerful that they take over the local council and are therefore able to move back into their old house, but we believe that can be prevented if every community clubs together and hires a road warrior."

Meanwhile the government last night backtracked on plans to take knife carrying youths on educational visits to spoon factories after everyone said it was a terrible idea.