Subscribe

And so I stand here an innocent man cleared of all charges, by Andrew

SO the police were wrong to search my home, eh? That means I’m innocent, and if you’re innocent of one thing you’re innocent of other things. That’s just how the law works.

Since the warrants were illegal I am now cleared of misconduct in public office and, by extension, all other allegations about myself. Therefore I am a highly respected member of the Royal Family again, and I want those bloody titles back ASAP. Except Earl of Inverness. That just sounds shit.

I will be calling myself Prince Andrew again while I await official confirmation from the Palace and a list of engagements. Luckily I’ve cleared my name in time to represent the family at Remembrance Sunday, which will be a great honour and a humbling experience for everyone who meets me.

In private I shall be enjoying the simple pleasures denied to me recently. A visit to Pizza Express in Windsor, which I’m sure we all remember is a restaurant I definitely go to. Perhaps a trip to a traditional country pub, which is far more agreeable when you are not being called a nonce. 

I also feel it is time to get back on the ‘dating scene’. I’ve had my valet set up and manage for me one of the new ‘Tinderbox’ accounts. I realise I’m not as young as I used to be, and must adjust my age requirements accordingly, so I am open to rumpo with ladies up to and including the age of 29.

However there is still work to do restoring my public image. First I will be demanding that the BBC broadcasts an hour-long apology from Emily Maitlis lying prostrate in front of me as I sit on a large throne. Second, I feel now is the perfect time for another It’s A Royal Knockout. I have always been an excellent judge of the public mood. 

My solicitor keeps warning me there are still multiple ongoing police investigations, but I will simply update them on my status. ‘I’M INNOCENT NOW YOU F**KING PEASANTS!’ I shall shout at them down the phone, and I’m sure that will be the end of the matter.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Italian, Turkish, French: The six most overrated global cuisines, ranked

MANY countries arrogantly claim their cuisine is better than anywhere else. Here are the top six cuisines which are alright but not f**king life-changing.

6. Turkish

It’s a strange claim by Turks that their food surpasses all others, given it’s basically kebabs and chewy flatbreads. Sharma, shish, all just meat of questionable origin on a stick. Baba ganoush? Aubergine slop that looks like it came out of a nappy. And shepherd’s salad is just tomato, onion and parsley. Those shepherds must be f**king starving. Dead, probably.

5. Italian

Italians are so up themselves they forget their supposedly brilliant food is little more than pasta made from flour, bread and sloppy rice. Pizza is claimed to be as revolutionary as Giuseppe Garibaldi, when all it is is cheese and tomato on dough. You’d be better off making a toastie. If rice cooked in slop then laden with cheese to make it taste of something is your thing, risotto has your back. They don’t even do chips, the misguided arrogant twats.

4. Japanese

Raw fish and seaweed is about as far from top-drawer grub as it’s possible to get, but that doesn’t stop the Japanese unfathomably thinking it is unrivalled the world over. Little bits of uncooked Nemo might look pretty, but you’d have to be a f**king psychopath to consider putting it in your mouth. What right-minded human being wants to chow down on the staple diet of a bloody crab?

3. American

The USA thinks it’s the best in the world at everything, when in reality they only excel at pointlessly remaking films and electing incontinent narcissistic loonies. They think a ‘seafood boil’ sounds appetising, and their burgers, hot dogs and shit fries are all swimming in pollutant E numbers, bleach and industrial hormones. Perhaps if they weren’t always off their heads on chemicals they’d think twice about doing mass shootings.

2. French

The British dislike of the French could be regarded as silly, but the Napoleonic Wars were only 211 years ago, which is nothing compared to the dinosaurs. And their arrogant claims about having the greatest cuisine don’t help. Frogs’ legs? Snails? If you’re going to eat stuff from the garden you may as well throw in a sparrow and a plastic plant pot. It’s no wonder all those dinghy people don’t want to stay there and eat shite when they could be in Blighty with chips and a battered saveloy.

1. All that Scandi shit

Norway, Iceland, Sweden, it matters not, the food claims to be healthy and sophisticated when in truth it’s utterly disgusting. Meatballs and cream dwell at opposite ends of the culinary spectrum for a reason, but here they are sharing a plate. Nobody has a clue what a lingonberry is, other than it sounds like something you should check for before a date. And as for pickled herring, what the actual f**k? The one benefit of it being pitch black half the year is at least you can’t see what’s for dinner.

Next story ›