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Woman offers boyfriend illusion of choice

A WOMAN has hilariously given her boyfriend the illusion of choice while deciding which restaurant to eat at.

Emma Bradford’s partner, Josh Hudson, was excited to be brought into the discussion, foolishly believing his answer would in any way affect the decision that had already been made hours previously. 

Bradford said: “It was so funny watching Josh carefully consider the options as if it meant something. I hate to compare him to a dog being trained to press the right button for a treat, but that’s what he is. 

“I allowed him to consider the local Chinese restaurant, a steak house he liked the sound of, and a salad place I favoured that was the correct choice. As I gently closed down the options with bullshit reasons like us having steak a month ago he really thought he was choosing. It was adorable.

“It’s not manipulative, we’re just one of those lucky couples with incredibly similar tastes. It’s just that Josh doesn’t always know that at first.”

Hudson said: “It’s strange because initially I wanted a steak but then I completely changed my mind. Which was the right decision because the trendy new salad place was lovely, and honestly a lot more filling than I thought. 

“Emma and I always make decisions together, but sometimes I have to put my foot down, like last night when I really wanted salad, not a juicy 12-ounce steak with chips.”

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Tories overlook crucial detail that ain't nobody out here inheriting shit

THE Conservatives’ vote-winning policy of abolishing inheritance tax has only a single flaw, which is that very, very few people will ever pay it.

Across Britain, voters are examining the flagship policy, relating it to their own circumstances and finding that the two have f**k all relation to each other.

Norman Steele of Lancaster said: “So this only applies on homes over £325,000 which aren’t being left to children? Well, that rules out me and everyone I know.

“Also, I don’t know if she saw the prime minister’s speech about his grandmother’s home going entirely to her care? Regardless of whether you agree with his solution, it’s a thing that happens a lot and means a tax-free inheritance of bugger all.

“Doesn’t really feel like I’m the outlier. I guess I should be living in the South East, own a massive property, have all my care in old age provided by my loving family and expire peacefully in my own bed. Seems a lot of effort just to get some benefit from the Tories.”

Bar owner Ellie Shaw said: “It’s good that dowager aunts who die leaving mysterious fortunes to long-lost relatives in difficult circumstances will no longer be taxed, especially if you’re living in a Dickens novel.

“I personally stand to inherit a terraced house in Kettering, a collection of ugly Lladro figures and a 2018 Citroen C3.”

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