Another job well done, says The Sun

THE Sun is proudly surveying yet another brilliant piece of journalism that has benefited the whole nation.

The newspaper behind a whole series of scoops that have made Britain the country it is today is looking back over another story that proved to be largely false with a sense of inner satisfaction.

Journalist Julian Cook, whose family no longer speak to him, said: “The police said he’s done nothing illegal and he’s in hospital. Happy with that.

“Nothing gets you out of bed in the morning like thinking ‘Hey, I could ruin some lives today.’ Especially when it’s a much-loved news presenter with a history of severe depression, so you have to admit he deserved it.

“Does it live up to the triumphs of our past like smearing the Hillsborough dead, the entirely untrue Elton John rent boy revelations, and a decade of phone-hacking? I like to think so.

“People say ‘they’re only doing it to sell papers’. Well they’re the pricks, because sales are plummeting and have been for years. We’re in this because we still believe sheer malice can make a difference.

“Hmm, I vaguely fancy that actress. What? She’s only 19 and vaguely left-wing? Right, lads. Let’s f**king destroy her.”

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Man claiming every news story is a dead cat

AN otherwise sane man has decided that every breaking news story is just a distraction from another story.

Nathan Muir believes anything that happens around the same time as other news is designed to draw away the public’s attention, in a sophisticated act of forward-planning none of the current twats in government seem capable of.

Muir said: “BBC scandal? Dead cat. Presidential visit? Dead cat. Volcanic eruption in Iceland? You’d better believe that’s a dead cat.

“An anonymous journalist insider on Twitter said there was going to be a big breaking story about wheelie bin collections. And then – BAM! – Rihanna has a baby. It’s a bit too convenient for me.

“No one’s going to be interested in wheelie bins when literally everyone in Britain is fascinated by the minutiae of Rihanna’s personal life. It’s classic Tory subterfuge to cover up their wrongdoing.

“I can only hope that me blowing the whole scam wide open by talking to the media doesn’t distract from another big news story, like the revelation that Rishi Sunak is actually a crap prime minister.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I lost faith in Nathan’s dead cat theories when he told me Covid was to distract from poor reviews of Game of Thrones.”