Thursday, 13th May 2021

Bear Grylls' guide to surviving the high street

HI, I’m Bear Grylls, and tomorrow I’m going to be visiting the most dangerous environment on Earth: the English high street. 

The shops are opening and I’m going all in. I need a lamp, I need a wedding outfit, I fancy a new vape and I may even browse camping equipment. Go hard or go home.

First rule is be resolute. Fannying about might kill you. Identify your purchases and get to the counter fast. Use your debit card but make sure you’ve sharpened the edge first in case you need to defend yourself.

Second, no bargain hunting. Shopping around to get the best price is for peacetime. Try that now and you’ll be mown down by a woman and her sister on their first day out since March.

Third, know your ground. Modern shopping centres are designed to disorientate. If you find yourself standing in front of Foot Locker when you wanted Lush, you’re as good as dead so memorise that map.

Fourth, be observant. If you’re behind some fussy Frank with a bag and receipts, that guy’s getting a refund for his wife. He won’t take store credit. He hasn’t got her card. Knock him unconscious with a pool ball in a sock.

Fifth, drink your own urine. No particular shopping-related reason for this one. Trust me, you’ll get a taste for it.