Sunday, 9th August 2020

Six Sun headlines that could make it even more repulsive than it already is

THE Sun is the worst of Britain and has been for 40 years. But can it continue its downward spiral into evil? Perhaps with these headlines:

DIANA WANTED NO-DEAL BREXIT

The Princess of Wales’ former butler Paul Burrell somehow discovers 25-year-old documents, many with the ink still fresh, in which she supports leaving the EU on WTO terms. It’s all deeply implausible, but the Sun despises its readers. 

BRITAIN IN CRISIS: BLAME LINEKER

The UK has plunged into severe depression. Food shortages and unemployment are rife, and soldiers are on the streets enforcing a 6pm curfew. This is all, the Sun explains, the fault of Gary Lineker’s woke snowflake tweets. 

BORIS: ‘I’VE NEVER BEEN SO IN LOVE’

After another Boris Johnson affair the Sun gets 100 per cent behind the prime minister with nauseating posed photographs of the PM and his new squeeze, with the subheading ‘Why our glorious leader’s newfound love brings joy to us all’. The previous bird and her inconvenient baby officially no longer exist. 

BREXITER-ONLY ENGLAND WILL WALK THE EUROS

The England squad will be restricted to players who definitely voted for Brexit because their patriotic fervour will crush our European opponents. Much as Britain did in WW2, as the paper points out 300 times. The squad will be led by Harry Kane dressed as a crusader, unless he voted Remain.

TAKE TO THE HILLS AND FEAR YOUR NEIGHBOURS

By advising Britons to arm themselves, retreat to fortified compounds and murder anyone different from them, the Sun is merely taking its jingoistic, ‘island nation’ stance to its logical conclusion. Complaints are treasonous, and the PCC will ignore them anyway.

MANCHESTER UNITED ‘THE NATION’S TEAM’ 

The tabloid finally hits rock bottom with a claim, coincidentally the day after Rupert Murdoch buys Manchester United, that everyone in Britain secretly supports them. Their offices are burnt down and their journalists are made to work producing takeaway flyers instead. The country is finally free.