Matt Hancock's guide to saying nothing whatsoever at daily press briefings

ARE you wondering how the government’s daily briefings manage to be quite so pointless? Here is the Q&A document used by Matt Hancock or whoever gets the short straw that day.

Q: The death toll is higher than the rest of Europe put together. Why are we easing lockdown?

A: We must all stay alert and observe all guidelines, in accordance with guidance, and using alertness. Also we must not make misleading comparisons with other countries. Many EU states are probably just getting dead people, propping them up in a chair, and pretending they’re alive.

Q: The track and trace system is a shambles. We might as well be waving buttercups under our chins to see if we like butter. You’ve had months to get this running. Why haven’t you?

A: Track and trace is vital. But not trace and track. That would be the wrong way round. And don’t forget our new app that might be ready a few months after lockdown has ended. It’s world-beating. So remember – track and trace, not trace and track. And world-beating.

Q: Where are all the tests you’ve been talking about? 

A: There are more than 10 million individual tests being carried out every single day. Just not in Britain.

Q: You say we should follow the science. But the scientists say the government’s approach has been a politically-motivated disaster.

A: Yes, indeed, we should follow the science, and the scientists. Who I see have just walked away from the podiums shaking their heads so I think I will join them. See you tomorrow.


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Coronavirus 'still not as stressful as explaining Windows 10 upgrade to your parents'

A MAN has found that supporting his parents during coronavirus is nothing compared to the trauma of helping them install Windows 10.

Joshua Hudson’s parents Helen and Roger are largely unconcerned about the deadly global virus but utterly terrified of the small box on their screen suggesting a dull but harmless update. 

Hudson said: “Mum kept phoning me in a panic while I was in bed on Sunday morning, saying something about Windows 10 popping up on her laptop again.

“Telling her it was all fine and legit and she should just install it was impossible, like trying to explain cryptocurrency to a badger.

“I finally got them to do it after about eight hours of exhausting, confusing phone calls and Skyping, it but they were still suspicious. I think they think I’ve become a Russian hacker.”

Helen Hudson said: “I read all about phishing on the Saga website. I email Auntie Jean from this laptop so what if they steal her identity? She could get home one day and there’d be someone else sitting in her bungalow saying it was theirs.

“It happens, you know.”