Beckham family all sleep in the same bed like Charlie Bucket

THE extended Beckham family all sleep together head-to-toe in an enormous bed, it has been revealed.

The exclusively engineered 12ft by 8ft divan is lived in by David and Victoria, their four children, daughter-in-law Nicola, Nicola’s parents and both David and Victoria’s mum and dad.

David Beckham said: “Victoria is a huge fan of the original Willy Wonka film and what she says goes in this house, so we’ve all ended up kipping together in this massive, specially designed bed.

“The 11 of us spend up to 20 hours a day lying in it, and only get out to attend glitzy showbusiness parties, appear in documentaries and go to the toilet. Luckily the mattress is very comfy and we’ve got the added benefit of having loads of storage underneath.

“It was weird at first, but we all get on well enough so we’ve got used to it. It’s a bit awkward for Brooklyn and Nicola as a newly-wed couple, but luckily they’re not speaking at the moment because she cut him from her latest film, so we don’t have to pretend to be asleep while they shag.

“Do we all perform jolly songs together, like in the film? Well, you’ve heard Victoria’s singing voice, so you won’t be surprised to hear the answer to that is a hard no.”

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Let's forget about all those 'Vote Leave' signs in fields, eh? By a farmer

By Norman Steele

WE farmers are left with no choice but to protest at cheap, low-quality imports threatening our livelihoods. We’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it, except that thing in 2016.

But I’m not here to talk about Nexit or Qexit or whatever it was, I really can’t remember. I’m here to highlight the influx of cheap food from abroad. I hate abroad and I’d do anything to make foreigners f**k off. But that’s not relevant to this discussion.

I’m the first to admit that in 2016 some farmers may have given a small amount of tentative support to a slight distancing of Britain from Europe. I myself put up a handful of tiny 10ft-high ‘Vote Leave’ signs in just 15 strategic locations around my farm. But it was obviously just a suggestion.

There was no way we could have predicted a government full of habitual liars and anti-regulation nutters would abandon us to the free market. When Jacob Rees-Mogg said goods would be cheaper, we assumed he meant through a Soviet Russia-style command economy with rigid price controls and massive state subsidies.

And now my replacement subsidies from the UK government are confusing and inadequate. I don’t understand how Boris Johnson failed to sort them out, with his passion for hard work and detail.

Even if a few British farmers voted to leave the EU, we did it for the right reasons: more money for us. And as patriots we didn’t want our nation to be overrun by foreigners, except when we need cheap labour and can charge them for living in a shitty caravan on-site.

So this is why we were forced to emulate French farmers. You’ve got to admire their willingness to kick up a fuss, something I only do when I see elderly ramblers on my land and scream foul-mouthed abuse at them like a dangerous madman.

Our brilliant strategy was to bring traffic in Central London to a standstill. This cannot fail because the Tories will instantly cave rather than make life hard for ordinary people, who they care deeply about. So don’t you townies dare call us a bunch of thick, inbred yokels who voted for Brexit.