Cool vegetarian still eats meat when pissed

A VEGETARIAN who keeps it real still eats kebabs and burgers after a few pints, he has confirmed.

Chill herbivore Tom Booker is militant about his plant-based diet during the day, but is known to bend the rules when he is drunk, it is 3am, everyone else is eating meat anyway and it does not matter.

He said: “Sober? It’s all Quorn fillets and tofu curries. I wouldn’t touch meat and if you want a lecture about the cruelty of factory farming, hit me up. I can freestyle that shit straight off the dome.

“But on a night out, after a few drinks, when everyone else is staggering through the doors of Kebaba O’Riley’s? I’m down for shredded lamb in a toasted pitta, because it’s delicious.

“If anyone calls out my hypocrisy, I shoot them a wink and tell them I’m a social carnivore. That defuses the tension, we have a big old hammered laugh about it and I order a slice of pizza with bacon on.

“Uptight veggies look on in horror. But while they’re scowling over their soy, me and the cool kids slink off to enjoy some succulent processed animal flesh down a back alley. They wish they could be us.”

He added: “Doesn’t stop me from giving pescatarians shit though. Those phoney pricks should lay off the fish and stop sullying our good name.”

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Workplace safety assessment finds main hazard being around twats all day

WORKPLACE safety assessments are finding that the main occupational hazard facing Britons is being around twats all day.

Factors such as noise, stress, long days and dangerous conditions are all minor compared to the risk of spending up to 40 hours a week in the company of total arseholes, it has emerged.

Mary Fisher, of the Health and Safety Executive, said: “You can set up your monitor at eye level, you can get your chair adjusted, you can lift heavy objects by bending at the knee. It won’t make any difference if you’re surrounded by knobheads.

“You get a headache and back pain by 1pm every day because you have to listen to idiots standing in the kitchen blathering on about whatever idiot shit they did this weekend. Some of them have the temerity to be your boss.

“Rip asbestos out with your teeth, type a 100,000 report with your nose an inch from the screen, lick receipt paper, stick your arm in a wood chipper – none of it is anywhere near as damaging as close proximity to a bellend who calls Friday ‘Fri-yay’.

“Even working from home means incessant emails and Zoom meetings with wankers promising to download the latest key learnings. You’ll never reach retirement.”

Marketing manager Helen Archer said: “On the other hand I am a twat, and I find inflicting that on everyone else intensely relaxing.”