Meghan and Harry: is there any way we can blame them?

AN anguished nation, shocked that both King Charles and the Princess of Wales are battling cancer, is searching for any way to blame Harry and Meghan. 

The exiled Duke and Duchess of Sussex would seem, on the surface, to bear no responsibility for the medical conditions of Britain’s most beloved Royals. The abhorrent toxicity of their presence is 5,500 miles away.

But that is mere science. And what every Briton knows in their heart is that when disaster strikes and the unthinkable happens that they did it. It’s all their fault.

It is natural, in these early days, not to know exactly how. We’re still too stunned to see clearly into the cloud of their malevolence and pick out the culpable acts, which is what they’re counting on.

Could the launch of Meghan’s lifestyle brand be responsible? Or their new website,, besmirching the name of an entire county? Was it Harry’s arrogant refusal to hand over his HRH title that caused those rogue cells?

Or was it more direct? Voodoo, perhaps, which goes hand-in-skeletal-hand with their Californian wellness? An oungan paid millions to stick pins in dolls and send a nation into crisis?

Was it radiation? A network of low-earth-orbit satellites beaming down targeted gamma rays at the behest of friend of the Sussexes Xi Jinping? To destroy the monarch and with it, the West?

Right now we’re still searching for answers. But within a fortnight, our doubts will harden to certainty. It was them, the bastards.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mum gives dog spends

A WOMAN has admitted giving her pet dog a weekly allowance so he can get himself little treats if he want to. 

Sue Traherne, aged 56, gives West Highland Terrier Bobby five pounds a week to spend on whatever he likes so he does not feel like he has to ask her for everything.

She said: “Bobby is a very good boy, so I feel he deserves a degree of monetary independence.

“He’s one of us and gets his spends every Friday to do whatever he likes with. And he’s not spending it all on beer and playing snooker, unlike some people in this house.

“I give it to him in cash, because although he’s perfectly capable of using contactless – he’s intelligent and responsible – I don’t want him losing his card if he gets overexcited chasing a bird.

“He knows it’s not for his meals or vet fees or grooming fees, because I take care of those, but if he fancies buying himself a few chewy chicken strips or a squeaky duck he doesn’t have to come begging to me. And I think that’s made his coat more lustrous.”

Bobby said: “I’ve got £95 stashed in my f**k-off fund. When I reach £150 I’m gone.”