Daily Mail demands apology from Daily Mail

THE Daily Mail has demanded an official apology from the Daily Mail for ‘scurrilous and inappropriate’ coverage of the Princess of Wales in recent weeks. 

The newspaper is outraged by the baseless and offensive speculation printed within its own pages over the last fortnight, and warned the vicious, evil vultures masquerading as journalists in its employ they will never be forgiven.

An editorial said: “Now we know the truth, the heartless, flint-eyed sadists who write columns for this filthy rag must hang their heads in shame.

“For Liz Jones to claim she feels ‘disrepected’ and ‘royally shafted’ by Kate is a hate crime. If she were dragged behind a car for five junctions of the M1 none of us would be sorry.

“And for Richard Kay – a royal correspondent for God’s sake – to call William’s non-attendance at a memorial an ‘error’ is an insult to a suffering family. He should spend the rest of his days shovelling shit at a pig farm for minimum wage.

“Sarah Vine joined the chorus of mockery, saying ‘How serious a personal matter can it have been when he can’t get away for an hour or so?’ Well you know now, you evil bitch. We should do something to her even worse than being married to Michael Gove.

“The Daily Mail – Britain’s conscience – demands these venal scum-sucking bottom-feeders be punished. Read what Jan Moir has in mind for them in today’s Daily Mail.”

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Every type of British person able to afford to drink every day

INCOME, age, race and class have proved no obstacle to any British citizen’s inalienable right to drink alcohol whenever they want to. 

Despite a cost of living crisis, recession, soaring housing costs and inflation, residents of the UK still manage to find the funds to get drunk whenever they feel it necessary, which is often.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Whether you’re sinking six pints before a non-league game or killing off four mai tais over bottomless brunch, Britain prioritises getting pissed.

“Despite our current challenges, it’s reassuring that so many of us are willing to write off our economic future to attend Wetherspoon’s Curry Club and drink Strongbow Dark Fruits until we’re sick.

“This is the new British stiff upper lip. It’s quite possible the only thing every strata of society can still bond over is their readiness to declare every night to be a drinking night.

“From the builder who doesn’t even change out of his hi-viz before cracking a Carling to the teenagers sharing white cider in the park to boomers blowing their children’s inheritance on the £24 bottles of wine Sainsbury’s puts on the high shelves, we are united.”

Homeless man Steve Malley said: “When I hold a sign saying ‘Hungry and Homeless’ nobody cares. When I hold one saying ‘Need A Drink’ the cash comes pissing in.”