Bill Turnbull revealed as Tory mole

BBC Breakfast host Bill Turnbull is a right-wing agent provocateur sent to discredit the corporation, it has emerged.

After ‘accidentally’ swearing on air, Turnbull was revealed as part of a ring of Tory infiltrators tasked with making the BBC appear morally bankrupt.

A BBC spokesman said: “It’s lucky we stopped him as he was planning to drop unpopular 80s swear word ‘minge’ during an item about the changing role of the Women’s Institute.

“During extensive passive aggressive BBC interrogation, Turnbull described the corporation as ‘a lefty pinko nightmare obsessed with shitty training courses’ and BBC1 as ‘not a proper channel with fit birds on it’.”

“We now believe there are other Tory conspirators discrediting the BBC from within, with suspicion naturally falling on the makers of Snog, Marry, Avoid? and Saints and Scroungers.”

TV viewer Tom Logan said: “I’d always suspected influential people in the BBC were secretly helping the Tories get rid of the licence fee because of all the cakes and dancing.

“Also because they were the first broadcaster to put former porn actress Mandy Rivers aka Susanna Reid on normal telly.”

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Labour MPs change names to Eric Pickles

ALMOST 80 per cent of Labour MPs have applied to change their name to Eric Pickles, it has emerged. 

The MPs, who are also dressing, talking and voting exactly as the communities secretary does, believe that only becoming Pickles will persuade the electorate to vote for them again. 

Leeds West MP Eric Pickles, formerly Rachel Reeves, said: “The country rejected Labour for the Tories, and the ultimate Tory is Pickles. 

“If we ever want to gain power again, we must eat like Pickles, look like Pickles, think like Pickles. 

“We are Pickles. We are legion.”

The policy, backed by leadership candidates Eric Pickles, Eric Pickles and Eric Pickles but opposed by Jeremy Corbyn, has Commons barbers working overtime shaving hair into Pickles cuts and bleaching skin for the perfect Pickles pallor. 

Floating voter Susan Traherne said: “The Tories have the original Eric Pickles, but there’s only one of him. 

“This magnificent army of Pickleses, or perhaps the plural is Picklii, is what the country needs. 

“If Cameron was a proper Conservative, he’d already be Eric Pickles. The fact he isn’t speaks volumes.”