Billy Bragg has absolutely gigantic house

YOU would not believe the size of Billy Bragg’s house, it emerged last night.

As Bragg’s neighbours received anonymous letters urging them to drive the hectoring socialist monster out of their sleepy Dorset village, everyone said, ‘who cares about that shit, look at the size of that bloody thing’.

Bragg bought the house 11 years ago as a protest against living somewhere really pokey without a glorious view and an acre of expertly manicured left-wing garden.

Tom Logan, a man who thinks New England is quite good, said: “I always imagined he lived in a terrace in a moderately gentrified part of east London, surrounded by people from a variety of cultures that he would ‘jam’ with.

“And I assumed that he would keep just enough money to live a simple life and give the rest to poor people or small circulation magazines about struggles.

“I have to say that the sheer heft of Mr Bragg’s house has come as something of a shock.”

Helen Archer, a woman who’s having none of it, said: “I’m sure he’s done very well for himself – that song he did about having sex is very jaunty. But wasn’t he supposed to hand over most of his money in order to promote some notion of equality? Or did he think the government was supposed to do it for him?”

Last night Bragg said he would have given more money to poor people if it was not for the extension and the double glazing and confirmed that anyone who noticed the size of his house was just an ‘old fashioned racist’.



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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m in the midst of a terrible predicament. It seems that my father thought it would be a good idea to buy my mother a vibrator for Christmas. I have nothing against this: what they do behind closed doors is up to them. But I was nearly sick in my mouth when my mother requested that I show her how to work her new ‘toy’. The worst thing is, she’s such a daft old bag I think she’s under the impression it’s a food processor attachment. Should I save myself the embarrassment and just let her use it for her award-winning soufflés?

Dear Annie,
There’s nothing worse than middle aged people attempting to use modern technology. One minute they’re listening to wax records on a gramophone, and asking you if you’ve got change for a guinea so they can buy a new needle for the spinning wheel; the next, they’re trying to friend you on Facebook, amassing an horrific Santana back catalogue on your Spotify account and texting you to let you know dinnerz ready, LOL. And it has now become a potential threat to humanity. The last time the older generation got their hands on technology, they brought the world to the brink of nuclear war. This is why there was a secret government treaty in 1984 to prevent anyone over the age of 30 being able to do anything other than work the most remedial of electronic devices. Even the TV remote should be complex enough to prevent your dad from accessing the Yesterday channel on Sky when you’re trying to watch Hollyoaks, and although your mum is the only one in the house who can work the washing machine, she should be allowed to continue with the belief that a Google search is a jolly Victorian parlour game. Under no circumstances should you agree to coach these elderly morons in their  new fangled gadgetry but instead simply sit back and enjoy every mouthful of that delicious soufflé.
Hope that helps!