Boris Johnson lobs grenade through taxi window

THE Mayor of London has been filmed pulling a pin from a grenade with his teeth, throwing it into a black cab and cycling away before it explodes.

Johnson has admitted the assault, triggered by an argument over Uber, and has refused to apologise for what he called “a robust response to my critics”.

He continued: “Whether I’m rolling CS gas into meetings with union bosses, attaching magnetic IEDs to a bendy bus full of social workers or discharging my standard Boris Bike sidearm at a protest march, I will always remain accessible to ordinary Londoners.

“I’m not the kind of politician afraid to mingle with voters in the streets, as the knife-fight I had in the Soho gutter with a Labour councillor last week proved.

“Whether you want to be thrown into the Thames, hanged from the top of Canary Wharf or set aflame in Covent Garden, don’t be afraid to approach me and don’t be surprised at my response.”

The cab driver, who survived the attack, said he would always vote for Boris because he is a man of the people.

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Ask Holly: How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?

Dear Holly,
The other day I got involved in an exchange of  words with a taxi driver and only later did I think of something funny  to say, but by then it was too late. I realise now I should have shouted, ‘hey, you talkin to me? you talkin to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin to? Well I’m the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you are taking to?’ Thus using a shared cultural reference to imply the cab driver is a socially inept homicidal maniac. I’m disappointed in myself. How can I ensure my retorts are always witty in future?


Dear Boris,
Have you tried the delectable combination of a Fruit Shoot and a Sherbet  Fountain? It’ll sharpen your wits to the point of genius. People will flock to you and bask in the intensity of your comedic aura. Just be
prepared for the crippling sugar crash that comes about 20 minutes after consumption. You’ll be paralysed by the bleakness of existence until you get your hands on some smarties to counteract the come-down.

Hope that helps!