Brangelina split foretold in Book Of Isiah

PASSAGES in the Old Testament predicted the split between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, according to a leading academic.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, made the discovery while scouring passages from the Dead Sea Scrolls for unusual varieties of plague that might work in a ‘Survivors-type’ screenplay he is writing in his spare time.

He added: “There’s loads of celeb juice, including some top-notch stuff on the Brangelina meltdown, how their $300 million fortune will be divided and what’s really going on with Jen.”

Professor Brubaker highlighted a passage from Isiah’s ‘Chit-Chat to the Simeonites’ which appears to describe an ambiguous meeting between Pitt and his ex-wife:

“And Brad shall attend a pool party at the dwelling place of Harvey Weinstein, to celebrate the issuing forth of a maverick cop buddy movie starring himself and Owen Wilson, at which she who is Jennifer Aniston shall also be present.

“And they shall partake of wine and broth and discuss how indeed they were good together back in the time of King Zebulon and the plague of toads.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Angie also does something pretty mental involving Brad’s beard and a captive barn owl.”


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Ali Dizaei: Where He Went Wrong

SHAMED police chief Ali Dizaei's attempt to frame an innocent man was littered with 'schoolboy errors', his former colleagues said last night.

As Dizaei was jailed for four years, there were calls for an inquiry into how someone who could not even intimidate a member of the public without being dragged through the courts could have risen to the rank of commander.

One retired assistant commissioner said: "When I went to Hendon in 1964, our first lesson was obviously racial epithets. But our second lesson was how to pick a random member of society and systematically ruin their lives – and have a bit of fun while doing it.

"I could have sent the Prince of Wales down for a 10 year stretch if I had been so inclined, but these lads today are all fingers and thumbs."

He added: "In my heyday I was framing three, maybe four people a week. I used to love those anti-apartheid demonstrations. It was like a big, self-service carvery of communists and homos.

"Still, I'm pleased to see that whoever framed this Paki commander knows his onions."

Julian Cook, professor of police criminology at Reading University, said: "The Independent Police Complaints Commission does present an additional challenge, but the key is to keep it nice and simple. I would always advise younger officers to print out a check list, laminate it and tuck it safely behind their warrant card."

Five easy-to-remember tips for a hassle-free stitch-up:

  • Always make false arrests when you are either completely sober or completely drunk. Anything in between is a minefield.

  • Never, ever do it in a restaurant. Best to wait a few hours and then drag them from bed at three o'clock in the morning so their neighbours will automatically assume they're a terrorist.

  • Bring a chum. The 'off-duty, solo' is riddled with potential bear-traps, but nobody is going to doubt the sworn testimony of TWO arresting officers.

  • If you do get found out – keep smiling. Do not give the Daily Mail a chance to publish a photo of you looking all shifty eyed.

  • Do not be black or Asian. Especially an uppity one.