Bring back Nazi Harry, say Mail readers

THE UK has agreed that Prince Harry was much better when he was dressed as a Nazi.

Following the announcement that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are stepping back as senior Royals, Britain has suggested he step all the way back to the 00s when he was a fun-loving strip-snooker-playing Rommel impersonator.

Nathan Muir of Hitchin said: “Don’t get me wrong, the bird he married’s hot but she also seems high maintenance. What was wrong with pump ’n’ dump?

“The old Harry would never have been all woke, moving to liberal Canada. When he was knobbing that Chesty Davy he wasn’t bothered about the environment. Back then, he knew dressing as the Third Reich was a laugh.

“I remember when he was fighting in Afghanistan, slaughtering the Taliban, on his way to being a posh Andy McNab. And knocking off the blonde piece from The Saturdays.

“The marriage was a mistake. He should have stayed a playboy Prince, flying helicopters and living a life of international aristocratic hedonism. He’s let us down.”

When reminded of recent news about the previous Royal labelled a ‘playboy Prince’, Muir said: “Ah yeah. Good point. Probably best not. As you were, Harry.”

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How to pretend you haven't already failed at Dry January

A SWIFT nip of cooking wine to test its quality doesn’t count as drinking, right? Here are some other ways to kid yourself you’re staying sober this month. 

Leftover liqueur chocolates

Liqueur chocolates are vile, which is why no one eats them at Christmas. However, you can get away with chaining five in a row and secretly get just slightly tipsy.

Catch a cough

Lick a few door handles, get yourself a chesty cough and get on the Night Nurse. Mix with Benilyn for the ultimate drowsy high. Not recommended if operating heavy machinery, but nor is booze and that’s never bothered you.

Liberally apply hand sanitizer

Hand sanitizer has got quite a lot of alcohol in it. Kid yourself that you’ve developed a weird germ compulsion and slather it all over yourself until you absorb enough through the skin that you’re wreathed in bonhomie.

Start wearing perfume or aftershave

There’s about as much raw, delicious alcohol in a bottle of CK One as there is in a bottle of cheap vodka, plus it smells nicer. Spray generously onto your wrists and then lick off as the day goes.

Inhale deeply at petrol stations

If really desperate, the merest whiff of ethanol will help tide you over until you can get wrecked again in three weeks. Linger on the forecourt of your local petrol station, breathing very hard.