It's not a real f**king job anyway, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has explained that it does not matter that he is stepping back as a senior Royal because it is not a real f**king job in any sense.

The Duke of Sussex, which is also not a real job, told Britain that it will not even notice his departure because whether anyone is performing his role or not makes absolutely no difference.

He added: “I’ve just had six weeks off. Admit it. None of you even realised.

“I’ve been in the Army, where they make you do b*llocks stuff like marching up and down and saluting a hat all night. I know a bullsh*t job when I see one.

“So when I say my wife and I are stepping back from being senior royals, it means that next time a leisure centre needs opening someone from Love Island can do it instead. At least they need the money.

“Yes, you could argue that my real job is smiling and waving while the tabloid press calls my wife a bitch, but they were perfectly happy hating Kate before 2016 so I’m sure they can go back.

“Meghan and I will no longer be performing our pointless non-duties for the benefit of a largely indifferent public. If this matters to you, you need help.”

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Revealed: The worst places to live in England, excluding London obviously

A SURVEY has revealed the worst places to live in England, with London excluded from the results because otherwise it would be nothing but. 

Places like Keighley, Rochdale and Peterborough, where a four-bedroom house can be bought for the price of a studio in SE19, have been named as shitholes to make the nation feel included.

Property investor Julian Cook said: “There’s nowhere in the UK your quality of life is lower than London.

“But just naming a bunch of London boroughs – Lewisham, Barking, bloody Brent – gets dull for everyone. It’s like when it’s all Cambridge colleges on University Challenge. Doesn’t seem fair.

“So we’ve named Nottingham, a city of leafy streets and uncrowded parks, Halifax in the beautiful Pennines, and Stoke-on-Trent – admittedly a shithole but paradise compared to Hackney.

“Of course, there’s no way life in even Doncaster is comparable to the living hell of Wood Green, where burglaries are frequent in the ex-council flat you share with three other highly-paid professionals in extreme poverty.”

Brand strategy consultant Joanna Turner said: “I could sell my one-bed above a Camberwell chicken shop and buy a four-bed detached in Huddersfield. But my job’s too bullshit to exist anywhere else.”