THE BBC is rebooting Top Gear and of course, like everything else that damned corporation produces, it will be hideously wokified. Miserable white man Roy Hobbs imagines the presenting shortlist:

Graham Norton

In the 21st century, even Top Gear viewers have accepted that gay men can drive cars. That’s how open-minded we are. But camp gay men who make knowing little asides about sexual practices while getting on rather too well with Anne Hathaway? An outrage.

Hufty

Though not in comparison to this. The lesbian presenter of The Word, absent for decades, brought back just for this? Even if she is only filling the bullied Richard Hammond position? Worse, she’s from the north-east and accented accordingly.

Chris McCausland

It’s political correctness gone mad when a blind man is made presenter of a driving show. He’ll crash all the time, just like previous presenters have, but without sight how can he even harbour racial prejudice? He’d be basing it entirely on voice.

Any British drag queen

A drag queen is automatically included on every BBC show, even The Archers, but how is Silllexa Diction meant to squeeze her towering wigs into the low interior of a Lotus Emira? Even worse when she starts calling herself Jemima Clit-Tongue in a crude Clarkson parody.

Michelle Obama

Bad enough when Joey from Friends presented, but the former First Lady? Who’s done nothing but sit around writing for ten years, unlike Clarkson who wrote his many books and newspaper columns while at the wheel? This is tokenism. She’s there solely to alienate the franchise’s dedicated fans.

Jeremy Corbyn

The ultimate insult. His name is so close to the King of Top Gear, he went to a minor public school just the same, but something went horribly wrong. Can’t even drive. Put him in the Bugatti Brouillard and he’d just sit there lecturing the camera about global warming and ecosystems. Why does the BBC hate straight white men so very much?