THE marriage of Hollywood’s first couple is in a deep healing space. Can you deal with your marital challenges with their same radical understanding?
Your wife no longer wishes to live in the same house as you. How do you handle it?
A) Say ‘what, so we’re splitting up?’ like a peasant who associates co-habitation with a healthy relationship and has only one house
B) Agree without qualm, believing this will only make your life partnership stronger, adding ‘it feels so good to get into this space where we’re together forever’
Your wife is in an entanglement with another man. How do you react?
A) Confront her, reminding her of your wedding vows of fidelity, candidly admitting that you’re unsure the bonds between you can survive this betrayal
B) Accept her explanation that ‘it was really just a joy to help heal someone’ and reaffirm your unconditional love for one another
A man has made a joke about your wife’s hair during an award dinner. What do you do?
A) Glower, comfort your wife if she is upset and decline to attend the Carpet Design Awards again unless they hire a less contentious host
B) Leap up, slap the motherf**ker right there on stage, then return to your seat, accept an award, and explain ‘violence is poisonous and destructive’ the next day
Your son has turned out to be an arsehole. What do you tell him?
A) Explain gently that nobody likes an arsehole, especially not one in an all-white Batman outfit at a wedding, and he should change his behaviour accordingly
B) Support him entirely even though he sued you to move out when he was 15, moved out in 2017 and has done nothing but release shit albums ever since
Your wife has a book to sell. How can you support her?
A) Tell her to put it on eBay at Sunday teatime when people are bored then they’ll bid higher, while adding books aren’t worth much anyway so a charity shop might be better
B) Allow her to detail every secret of your marriage and claim you are both ‘on a spiritual journey to cleanse the poisonous, unloving parts of our hearts’
Mostly As: Oh dear. Your marriage is mundane, riven with jealousy and convention, and afraid to embrace new forms of ‘relational perfection’. You have let yourself down.
Mostly Bs: Congratulations! Your marriage ‘illuminates the need to discuss the relationship between trust and love and how they co-exist’. Do you have sex often?