Penis latest victim of shrinkflation

A PENIS feeling the effects of colder weather is the latest victim of shrinkflation, it has emerged.

Tom Booker’s shrivelled reproductive organ currently measures up at just two-and-a-half inches, contradicting his wife’s fond memories that it used to be much bigger and more satisfying.

Mary Booker said: “I swear it used to be longer than the palm of my hand, even during especially cold winters. This is Toblerone levels of shrinkage.

“Back in the good old days you could clearly make out its proud, prominent bulge rising majestically through his jeans. It was tempting. Now it’s all withered and the balls are scrunched up and you’re disappointed before it’s even unwrapped.

“Tom assures me it’s only due to the cold and he’s a grower not a shower. There’s only so much growing you can do when that’s your starting point. Two bites and it’s gone.

“Sadly it seems Tom’s cock has been consigned to the scrapheap of nostalgia, joining the likes of Quality Street tins, multipack crisps, and other things that were once enjoyably massive but are now disappointingly small. I’ll start a retro Facebook page about it.”

Booker said: “We’re never going back to the days of the King Size Mars Bar. Mary needs to accept that.”

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Woman unable to snack because stupid boyfriend 'not hungry'

A MAN asked by his girlfriend if he was hungry has failed to give the right answer, leaving her unable to get a snack without looking like a greedy bitch. 

Lucy Parry, aged 26, made the inquiry of boyfriend Ryan Whittaker in expectation he would say yes so she could bring food and eat most of it.

But instead he rebuffed her advances, selfishly listening only to his own stomach, meaning Lucy is unable to get a packet of salt and vinegar McCoys that is only yards away.

She said: “He knows what ‘are you hungry’ means. Just like he knows what ‘fancy a drink’ on a worknight and ‘are you asleep?’ in bed mean. He chose not to.

“I’m not asking him to lie. There are a wide range of responses. Anything from ‘I could eat’ to ‘what you thinking?’ would have been acceptable. But he went ‘nah’ and stared at his phone. The inhumanity.

“What choice have I got now? But to forego the Haribo for an endless 20 minutes before I finally expire? Perhaps if I catch his eye as I’m blacking out, he’ll agree to split some chips with me.”

Ryan said: “Why does she need me to eat? If I’m hungry, I simply order a pizza, wings, fries, onion rings, garlic bread, and doughnuts, and eat crisps until they arrive.”