THE intrigue of whether Josh from Hebden Bridge studies geography or natural sciences has its limits. Hit your fellow freshers with the real questions:
‘What’s your flat infested with?’
An opening gambit to a daring game of one-upmanship. They may have scabies from a 25-year-old mattress, but did they find a rat in the kitchen eating Cookie Crisp? No? You win. And do they fancy coming back to your place?
‘How much do your parents earn?’
Can be more subtly phrased as ‘So, your house has a name?’ or ‘That’s a fee-paying school?’ but weeds out those who won’t be able to provide a flat on the Riviera to their bit-of-rough plus one. Or at the very least lifts in her Mini and an occasional line.
‘Did you apply here?’
Works best at universities which are no one’s first choice. The wince of regret and blush of shame lets you know who missed their place by the most grades, who still can’t accept they’re not at Oxford, and those pitiable individuals whose lifelong dream was to take their degree at this shithole.
‘Is that a vanity degree?’
One for the rahs. Usually studying Philosophy or History of Art or simply Classics because it doesn’t matter in the least, or a rung down there are the Economics twats who at least need to secure themselves a City job. These people are turds waiting to be polished, so don’t confuse them by imagining they care what their degree is in.
‘When will you be dropping out?’
It made sense when there were student grants, but paying nine grand in tuition to loiter on campus and get cheap beer? To miss every possible academic commitment to smoke weed? To go home every weekend to the point you’re only here on Wednesdays? If you can tell me when you’ve jacking it in I’ll have your room.
‘What are your A-levels? Please, I must know, tell me what are your A-levels?’
The one thing no fresher will reveal is what A-levels they got and what their grades were, because they know it holds the key to their entire personality. Consequently 18-year-olds will hold this information close and certainly won’t volunteer it constantly, nervous because they’re not usually at school with girls.