FOR every child actor that ruins a film, there’s another who gave you feelings in your own childhood and it’s all a bit awkward now:
The Railway Children is a classic tale, and very wholesome. The shower sex scene in An American Werewolf in London is unwholesome and a classic in your wank bank. Does that make you a retroactive paedo? Yes. Call 101 and demand to be arrested while cuing up Logan’s Run to savour while you wait.
He’s 43. It’s fine to fancy him now, except for brief My Girl flashbacks. You won’t, however. Really after Home Alone he should be the final villain of the Saw franchise, explaining how his addiction to filling houses with gory traps that reduce intruders’ faces to a bloody pulp of bone, mucus and brain tissue got out of hand.
A star known for being ‘troubled’, or mad for blow. Point out her oft-forgotten acting talents and realise she was 12 in The Parent Trap and 17 and 18 in Freaky Friday and Mean Girls respectively. Her next major ongoing project was rehab. Discussing her career marks you as a nonce as surely as your all-time favourite film being St Trinian’s.
A former star of tween sitcoms, the Grande issue is you fancied her when you were 12 and you still fancy her now but she looks exactly the same and that’s weird. She could take her old role in that tween sitcom tomorrow and it was set in high school.
Chloë Grace Moretz
Hit Girl in Kick-Ass stabbed, shot, maimed and said the C-word, all of which are shocking behaviour for a 12-year-old if you’ve never been in a school playground. She’s 26 now, it’s fine, she’s dated Brooklyn Beckham and done proper films. Pretend you’re encountering her for the first time and nobody will know.
The kid from Love Actually is 33. If he was your nephew, you’d advise him he needs to stop pissing about and settle down if he ever wants a mortgage. That cute big-eyed boy whose name you wrote on your primary school pencil case is gone. He looks sort of funny now.
The Hannah Montana star is the consummate Disney entertainment android: singer, dancer or actor, performing all three roles with 100 per cent consistency, needing only occasional maintenance of her hydraulics. And after the grimly unerotic video for Wrecking Ball, there’s no way anyone will think your interest is inappropriate.