Clarkson Factually Correct

JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night.

As the Top Gear presenter faced a storm of protest after describing prime minister Gordon Brown as 'a one-eyed Scottish idiot', experts stressed the constituent parts of the statement could all be verified.

Julian Cook, professor of semantics at Reading University, said: "Think of it this way. What if Jeremy Clarkson had divided the information into three separate sentences?

"For instance; 'Gordon Brown has one eye'. Yes he does. No-one is denying that. Secondly, 'Gordon Brown is Scottish'. Yes he is, so are lots of other people and that is reasonably normal.

"And finally 'Gordon Brown is an idiot'. Well yes, of course he is. If you didn't think that then clearly you're some kind of idiot. And possibly Scottish. With one eye."

Professor Cook added: "It's all about language, it's all about context.

"Put it this way, if he had called Gordon Brown a 'Jocko moron whose eyes are all wonky', or maybe 'Long John Silver, the kilted shitwit', or perhaps even 'Winky McFucknut, the alcoholic sheep-shagger' then yes, I could see how some people might find that offensive.

"Or if he had put on an eye patch and sat there shouting 'jings! crivens! am such a wee eejit!'.

"Or if he had wandered around the stage with one eye shut, bumping into things while sticking his tongue inside his bottom lip and banging the backs of his hands together while screaming 'och aye the noo, I'm Gordon the spazzy', then yes, that is perhaps going a bit too far."

Professor Cook said Clarkson's sentence was not only accurate but possessed a 'beautiful simplicity', adding: "Or what about this one? He puts on an eye patch, a kilt and a tam o'shanter and performs simulated intercourse at the wrong end of an inflatable sheep and then falls off the stage. Yes, I should liked to have seen that."

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So, Where's All The Fucking Grit? Asks Britain

PEOPLE across Britain contacted their local councils yesterday to ask what in the name of fuck has happened to all the grit.

As grit supplies ran low, leading to thousands of car crashes, motorists said that if there is one thing you would think the council could not fuck up, it would be making sure there’s enough grit.

Experts claim the shortage has been caused by climate change, childhood obesity, or possibly the influx of unskilled, non-EU immigrants.

A spokesman for Hertfordshire County Council said: “I have seen some rather fat, hungry looking children hanging around the depot.

“And let’s not forget that one of the most devastating effects of climate change is to make council officials forget to order more grit.

“But no, on second thoughts you’re right, it’s probably all that immigration.”

The grit shortage has also presented Britain’s newspapers with their most irresistible metaphor since that big, stinking cloud wafted across the Channel from Brussels in 2007.

Melanie Phillips, writing in the Daily Mail, said: “As if it was not already obvious, modern Britain has no grit.

“The arctic weather has exposed not only our lack of grit, but also, and in a very real sense, our lack of grit.

“DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M SAYING?”